- Joined
- Dec 3, 2025
- Messages
- 1,963
- Time Online
- 3d 18h
- Reputation
- 4,185
I'm Chinese-Japanese, 27F. Husband is 27M and white. Married 2 years but knew each other for about 10 years since university.
His friends are 30ish and white. It was important to him that I got along with these friends, so I really made the effort.
All of us played games online together for months and met a couple of times. We went up to their house again a few months ago.
His friend's wife comes down to greet us and immediately said "My cats were going crazy today and speaking Chinese like (a bunch of heinous noises meant to be Chinese?)" and I reacted by staring at her blankly. Everyone there was white except me. No one laughed. I truly think she wasn't even thinking processing the fact I was Chinese. Normally, I would have said something immediately, but it was just so out of pocket and everyone was arriving to the party.
A few moments later, she makes the same joke. Telling people her cats were crazy and speaking Chinese followed by just racist noises.
I told my husband if he didn't say something after the party, then I would. He told me he would, and at the time I had no reason to doubt him.
I also told him that I had no interest hanging out with them again. Racist jokes told so casually is alarming. It was literally dehumanizing to compare my language to cats howling. Making the joke once was cringe enough, but twice? That's intentional.
You might ask me why I didn't tell them to stop hanging out entirely over this - he is best friends with her husband and generally doesn't interact with the wife except at parties. He just told me he couldn't choose his friend's wife.
He didn't say anything to her about it for 3 months. The only reason he finally said something was when I first learned he was playing PUBG weekly in a 4-stack that included his friend and friend's wife. I brought up if she apologized for the joke and he got uncomfortable. Turns out he never talked to her about it and was playing games with the husband and her every week. I couldn't believe he didn't say anything to her about the joke and he admitted he now felt awkward bringing it up months after.
It was our hugest fight because in the past, he has allowed his people pleasing tendencies to allow people to walk not just over him, but over me as well. I left the house that night and he went to his friend's to vent and FINALLY talked to them about it.
It has been about a month since, but I've lost so much trust in him. In another argument, he blurted out "what do you want me to do? Cut out my friends and family?!"
I had never asked him for that. He is low contact with his family because they are explicitly racist. I told him that I would never ask him to annihilate his support systems for me. I knew he was just saying whatever in the heat of the moment, but the moment he suggested cutting out all the racist people in his life. I just felt relieved.
I asked him why he would rather play PUBG with a racist over me and he said he didn't believe she was racist. She made a mistake. But she made the joke twice...
So I'm divorcing him. He can't believe I'm divorcing him over a joke someone else made. He says he can't control his friends or their wives and that he knew she could be better.
TL;DR: My husband's friend made a really stupid, unfunny joke comparing cats howling horribly to Chinese, twice. I told my husband I was going to say something and he told me he would. He then played games with her every week for 3 months and didn't say anything like he promised. AITA for divorcing my husband over a racist joke he didn't make but also didn't confront?
@Kaari @Dean @Sasageyo @twinkdestroyer @Jawggernaut Mewlord
His friends are 30ish and white. It was important to him that I got along with these friends, so I really made the effort.
All of us played games online together for months and met a couple of times. We went up to their house again a few months ago.
His friend's wife comes down to greet us and immediately said "My cats were going crazy today and speaking Chinese like (a bunch of heinous noises meant to be Chinese?)" and I reacted by staring at her blankly. Everyone there was white except me. No one laughed. I truly think she wasn't even thinking processing the fact I was Chinese. Normally, I would have said something immediately, but it was just so out of pocket and everyone was arriving to the party.
A few moments later, she makes the same joke. Telling people her cats were crazy and speaking Chinese followed by just racist noises.
I told my husband if he didn't say something after the party, then I would. He told me he would, and at the time I had no reason to doubt him.
I also told him that I had no interest hanging out with them again. Racist jokes told so casually is alarming. It was literally dehumanizing to compare my language to cats howling. Making the joke once was cringe enough, but twice? That's intentional.
You might ask me why I didn't tell them to stop hanging out entirely over this - he is best friends with her husband and generally doesn't interact with the wife except at parties. He just told me he couldn't choose his friend's wife.
He didn't say anything to her about it for 3 months. The only reason he finally said something was when I first learned he was playing PUBG weekly in a 4-stack that included his friend and friend's wife. I brought up if she apologized for the joke and he got uncomfortable. Turns out he never talked to her about it and was playing games with the husband and her every week. I couldn't believe he didn't say anything to her about the joke and he admitted he now felt awkward bringing it up months after.
It was our hugest fight because in the past, he has allowed his people pleasing tendencies to allow people to walk not just over him, but over me as well. I left the house that night and he went to his friend's to vent and FINALLY talked to them about it.
It has been about a month since, but I've lost so much trust in him. In another argument, he blurted out "what do you want me to do? Cut out my friends and family?!"
I had never asked him for that. He is low contact with his family because they are explicitly racist. I told him that I would never ask him to annihilate his support systems for me. I knew he was just saying whatever in the heat of the moment, but the moment he suggested cutting out all the racist people in his life. I just felt relieved.
I asked him why he would rather play PUBG with a racist over me and he said he didn't believe she was racist. She made a mistake. But she made the joke twice...
So I'm divorcing him. He can't believe I'm divorcing him over a joke someone else made. He says he can't control his friends or their wives and that he knew she could be better.
TL;DR: My husband's friend made a really stupid, unfunny joke comparing cats howling horribly to Chinese, twice. I told my husband I was going to say something and he told me he would. He then played games with her every week for 3 months and didn't say anything like he promised. AITA for divorcing my husband over a racist joke he didn't make but also didn't confront?
@Kaari @Dean @Sasageyo @twinkdestroyer @Jawggernaut Mewlord
