Defining Coercive Control
The term was pioneered by sociologist
Evan Stark. He argues it is not just "emotional abuse" but a broader course of conduct that entraps a partner, erodes their autonomy, and subjugates them. It's the underlying
pattern that creates a climate of fear and compliance, even without constant violence.
Common Tactics of Coercive Control (with Female-Perpetrated Examples)
The following tactics are core to coercive control. The examples illustrate how they might appear when used by a female partner against a male partner.
1. Isolation
This is often the first step: cutting off the victim from their support system.
- How it can manifest:
- Emotional Blackmail: "Your friends are a bad influence. If you really loved me, you'd choose to spend time with me instead of them."
- Creating Drama: Starting arguments or becoming "sick" right before social events, forcing him to cancel plans and making it seem like he is unreliable or uncaring to his friends and family.
- Denigrating His Relationships: Constantly criticizing his family ("your mother is toxic") or friends ("he's just using you") to create doubt and distance.
- Monitoring & Restricting: Controlling his phone, car keys, or finances to physically prevent him from seeing others.
2. Regulation & Imposed Rigidity
The perpetrator micromanages the victim's daily life, stripping away their autonomy.
- How it can manifest:
- Domestic Standards: Enforcing impossible standards of cleanliness or childcare, then criticizing his every effort as "incompetent" or "not good enough," making him feel like a failure as a partner and father.
- Financial Control: While often male-perpetrated, a woman might control finances by running up debt in his name, demanding his paycheck while providing no transparency, or using financial dependence (e.g., if he is the primary earner) as a tool of obligation and guilt.
- "Helplessness" as Control: Feigning incompetence (e.g., "I just can't do taxes/budgeting/car repairs") to force him into handling all stressful responsibilities, then criticizing how he handles them.
3. Degradation & Humiliation
Systematically attacking the victim's self-esteem to make them feel worthless and easier to control.
- How it can manifest:
- Public and Private Criticism: Belittling his intelligence, career, parenting skills, or masculinity in front of others or in private. "You're so useless. I have to do everything myself."
- Using His Vulnerabilities Against Him: If he has opened up about insecurities (e.g., about his body, sexual performance, or a past failure), she weaponizes this information during arguments to cause maximum pain.
- The "Crazy" Narrative: Labeling his legitimate emotional reactions to her abuse as "anger issues," "irrationality," or "being crazy." This is a powerful form of gaslighting that makes him doubt his own sanity and prevents him from being seen as a victim.
4. Threats and Intimidation
Using implied or direct threats to create compliance.
- How it can manifest:
- Threats to the Relationship: The most common: "If you don't do X, I will leave you and you'll never see the kids again." This preys on his love for his children.
- Legal and Systemic Threats: Leveraging systemic biases. Threatening to make false allegations of abuse or violence to police or social services, knowing he fears he will not be believed.
- Self-Harm Threats: "If you leave me, I'll kill myself," placing the responsibility for her well-being entirely on him.
5. Control Through "Care" and Denial of Agency
This is a particularly insidious tactic where control is disguised as concern or love.
- How it can manifest:
- Medicalizing His Behavior: Insisting he has a mental health issue (e.g., ADHD, depression, autism) that "explains" why he is "difficult," and then using that as a reason to manage his life, often without a formal diagnosis or against his will.
- "I'm Only Doing This For You": Framing controlling behavior (e.g., restricting his spending, choosing his clothes) as being for his own good because he is "bad" at it.
Why This is Particularly Challenging for Male Victims (The Therapeutic Perspective)
- Social Stigma and Shame: The societal script says men should be strong, in control, and able to "handle" their partners. Admitting to being controlled and emotionally abused by a woman can feel emasculating and lead to profound shame, preventing help-seeking.
- Lack of Recognition: Friends, family, law enforcement, and even therapists may not recognize the signs because they don't fit the stereotypical model of abuse. The man may be perceived as "henpecked" or weak rather than victimized.
- The "Helpless" Perpetrator: The abuser may expertly play the role of the vulnerable, anxious, or "hysterical" woman, making him appear to be the source of the problem when he reacts with frustration or anger.
- Systemic Biases: The legitimate fear that if he reports her or the situation escalates, authorities will automatically side with the woman.
The Role of Couple Therapy
Important Note: Couples therapy is generally contraindicated in situations of coercive control. The power imbalance means the perpetrator can use therapy to:
- Gather more information to weaponize later.
- Charm the therapist and reinforce their narrative that the victim is the problem.
- Force the victim to "be honest" in session, only to punish them for it later.
The correct therapeutic pathway is individual therapy for the victim to recognize the abuse, rebuild self-esteem, and create a safety plan. Perpetrator intervention programs are separate and specific to addressing abusive behavior patterns.
In summary, the coercive control perpetrated by women against men follows the same core pattern as all coercive control: it is a
campaign of domination that entraps a person by limiting their access to liberty, resources, and support. The tactics are often tailored to exploit social gender norms and the specific vulnerabilities of the male partner.
