ErmErm
Well-known member
I might kill myself soon if I’m honest, if not then later in life. I’ve always thought about, tried a few times but never worked. I’ve been trying to ignore it but I know deep down that no matter how many friends, romantic relationships, or happy things I experience I’ll never be truly happy unless my life is totally perfect and every thing goes the way I was it to. I’ll always regret and want more, to change what I do or did. I’ll always be poor, I’ll never have a big house in a different country, my autism and whatever the fuck else I have won’t go away, people will never truely understand me, I will always be unattractive becuase of my fucking bones and face, I won’t ever be able to afford surgery to even fix it. I used to be smart but now I can’t even do a single project. I have constant migraines and no motivation, my step dad screams at me 24:7 and talks about how he wants to hit me (so does my mom) speaking of which all she does is scream, ignore, take and fucking ruin me, my bio dad is a drug addicted pedo. I was neglected for most of my life from what I can remember, I had no friends, I was bullied and always hated myself. Im quite literally genetically fucked mentally and physically!!! And my life (no matter age) was always happy sad happy sad happy sad what I can only describe as a manic episode happy sad happy sad and I’m so depressed, I was sexually assaulted from ages 5-7 and I can’t even be mad at them, they were r***d and they were the same age as me. I can only love myself for how attractive I am, people thing I’m weird and slut (even tho im a virgin) and the only way im happy is if boys comment and look at my body in a good way. If im told someone finds me ugly i go into a 2 months depression, i truely hate myself from my head to my toes, inside and out. I’ll never be enough, and I’ll never have enough. I’ll always be like thing and im ruined. My own my mother told me id be a prostitute under a bridge when I was 11 and my step dad held me by my arms and screamed in my face while I was naked after my shower for being upset that they yelled at me and took my phone for being in the shower too long. I mean they RUINED me, I can barely remeber anything from my childhood other than them screaming and laughing in my face for being upset. They’re so sweet to my little brothers, the older one is also autistic and when he has a meltdown they hug him and calm him but I’ve never gotten that and the younger one gets whatever he wants. They just scream and tell me to stop crying over stupid shit, they always have money for them but not for me. And then when I cope by ripping my hair out and hitting my head etc (the only way I’ve been able to cope, yes I’ve tried other ways) they scream at me more for “traumatizing” my brothers but they haven’t even been though 1/3 of what I’ve felt from my parents my whole life, all my mom did from 1-4 was drugs, 5-7 I was bullied, cut. Myself and was SA’d by my cousin, from 8-12 I was chronically online, got groomed, and so much bullshit, started smoking from tome to time, always being fucking screamed at, depressed, ate lunch in the bathroom,13-now, smoking and drinking whatever I can get my hands on and I’m still depressed and online 24/7 and I know I sound so edgy but I just hate my self so much, my nose, my head, my cheeks, my body, my lips, my eyes, my eyebrows, my hair, my hands and my fucking everything. I’m truely done with this life it has no purpose for me anymore, all I’ve felt my whole life is hate and sadness through small bouts of happiness and I give up on trying anymore