rate some poetry i wrote earlier tonight

[Downspiral]

an imposing inferno
burning me
consuming me
enveloping me

slowly invading every layer
of skin and tissue
of flesh and muscle
of bone and joint

the inferno saps me of life
an enervating burn
draining my vitality
diminishing my sanity

twistedly hellbent on killing me
conquering my body
dominating my mind
swallowing my soul

the inferno quickly spits me out
scorching my senses
charring my nerves
and numbing my pain

i smell the flame
i taste the flame
i feel the flame
for i am the flame

i have become the inferno
all that exists is the flame
and i soon feel nothing
for what is there left to feel?

 

[Downspiral]

lmk what you guys think (if it was corny, catchy, too repetitive, too short, etc.)

 

[Quncho]

an imposing inferno
burning me
consuming me
enveloping me

slowly invading every layer
of skin and tissue
of flesh and muscle
of bone and joint

the inferno saps me of life
an enervating burn
draining my vitality
diminishing my sanity

twistedly hellbent on killing me
conquering my body
dominating my mind
swallowing my soul

the inferno quickly spits me out
scorching my senses
charring my nerves
and numbing my pain

i smell the flame
i taste the flame
i feel the flame
for i am the flame

i have become the inferno
all that exists is the flame
and i soon feel nothing
for what is there left to feel?

W poem. 9/10. A little corny at the end there but it is much better than anything I could make.

 

[Downspiral]

W poem. 9/10. A little corny at the end there but it is much better than anything I could make.

thanks friend. i tried to be very blunt and direct at the end, to end the poem off on a nice contrast but i do agree it sounds pretty corny. thanks for the feedback

 

[neymar]

Not bad

 

[Whitepill]

I like it bro

 

[Axii]

it's pretty good but the second to last stanza is a little peculiar

 

[Downspiral]

it's pretty good but the second to last stanza is a little peculiar

what's peculiar about it?

 

[drumsticks]

an imposing inferno
burning me
consuming me
enveloping me

slowly invading every layer
of skin and tissue
of flesh and muscle
of bone and joint

the inferno saps me of life
an enervating burn
draining my vitality
diminishing my sanity

twistedly hellbent on killing me
conquering my body
dominating my mind
swallowing my soul

the inferno quickly spits me out
scorching my senses
charring my nerves
and numbing my pain

i smell the flame
i taste the flame
i feel the flame
for i am the flame

i have become the inferno
all that exists is the flame
and i soon feel nothing
for what is there left to feel?

shi ima make this into a song