Today I got flaked on by two friends. We were supposed to meet in the library after school and then try a new fast food place. While I was waiting, one of my friends came up to ask for help studying for his psych class. We practiced questions for about an hour. He asked why I was staying late if I wasn’t studying. I told him I was waiting for some friends to go to the fast food place. I guess he already knew they weren’t coming and offered to go with me, so I said sure.
Then a guy he knew from track and a girl he knew said they’d come too. We did a bit more studying and then left. In the halls my friend was talking to everyone with this charisma that was honestly admirable. He even spotted some football players he knew and started talking to them, and I had to watch from behind pretending I was fine.
We got to the place. My friend and the girl went into another store and said they’d meet up with me and the other guy at our table. While we waited for food I tried to make small talk but it didn’t go anywhere. When they came back they started talking about music. They basically had the same top artists, and even the other guy managed to work himself into the convo. That talk went on for about an hour. Even when my friend tried to pull me in I couldn’t get into it, even when I tried to be relatable.
For that whole hour they were laughing less than a foot away from each other and I felt isolated. I laughed sometimes when someone made a joke, but I didn’t get any eye contact. I left early saying I had to get home by a certain time. They said bye and I took the bus home. When I got in my dad started talking about assignments I was “missing” that I had already turned in. I listened to him for ten minutes and then went to my room to watch tiktoks.
I saw a girl with colored hair and it made me want to check on the girl I’ve had a crush on for the last three years(she has red hair) I already knew she had a boyfriend and that she’s a senior so I wouldn’t see her at school after this year, but I still scrolled through her reposts. I found the corniest relationship TikToks, like they were in love. I went to her boyfriend’s account and watched a video of them dancing and kissing in my head it felt like I was. For context, in freshman year I was fat and ugly and when I saw her in my math class she didn’t even look at me like I was human. That was the turning point. I started going to the gym. Now I’m just regular ugly. I keep thinking, what’s the point of it all? I can’t make good friends. I’m not charismatic like my friends, not as smart, not athletic. I’m just a guy. What’s the point of me? I don’t make anyone’s life better. I won’t be in the history books. Nobody will remember me when I die. What is the point? To find an ounce of happiness for every pound of sadness? To live every day the same? I know I’m not special and not great at anything. So what is the point of it all?
Then a guy he knew from track and a girl he knew said they’d come too. We did a bit more studying and then left. In the halls my friend was talking to everyone with this charisma that was honestly admirable. He even spotted some football players he knew and started talking to them, and I had to watch from behind pretending I was fine.
We got to the place. My friend and the girl went into another store and said they’d meet up with me and the other guy at our table. While we waited for food I tried to make small talk but it didn’t go anywhere. When they came back they started talking about music. They basically had the same top artists, and even the other guy managed to work himself into the convo. That talk went on for about an hour. Even when my friend tried to pull me in I couldn’t get into it, even when I tried to be relatable.
For that whole hour they were laughing less than a foot away from each other and I felt isolated. I laughed sometimes when someone made a joke, but I didn’t get any eye contact. I left early saying I had to get home by a certain time. They said bye and I took the bus home. When I got in my dad started talking about assignments I was “missing” that I had already turned in. I listened to him for ten minutes and then went to my room to watch tiktoks.
I saw a girl with colored hair and it made me want to check on the girl I’ve had a crush on for the last three years(she has red hair) I already knew she had a boyfriend and that she’s a senior so I wouldn’t see her at school after this year, but I still scrolled through her reposts. I found the corniest relationship TikToks, like they were in love. I went to her boyfriend’s account and watched a video of them dancing and kissing in my head it felt like I was. For context, in freshman year I was fat and ugly and when I saw her in my math class she didn’t even look at me like I was human. That was the turning point. I started going to the gym. Now I’m just regular ugly. I keep thinking, what’s the point of it all? I can’t make good friends. I’m not charismatic like my friends, not as smart, not athletic. I’m just a guy. What’s the point of me? I don’t make anyone’s life better. I won’t be in the history books. Nobody will remember me when I die. What is the point? To find an ounce of happiness for every pound of sadness? To live every day the same? I know I’m not special and not great at anything. So what is the point of it all?
