Idk I just think I’m selfish. I like keeping things on my terms like my space, my timing, my comfort. I don’t really have the patience for emotional maintenance or any constant connection cause I get bored easily and detach fast if something feels like effort. It's not out of spite, it’s just efficiency yk and obviously I know people think that’s unlikeable cause it's normal that people don’t want someone who only shows up when it’s convenient and who vanishes when it isn’t or who puts themselves first every time. I’d probably dislike someone like me too but I still don't see it as something bad for myself idk just the people who stay I don't understand
It's not a bad thing for you, but it's a bad thing for the people you talk to.
I was the same way in a lot of ways, and even now I can only extend myself for a few people for small amounts of time. I need people who are the same way or it just burns me out.
When I was a teen, everything you're describing is what I dealt with. I couldn't keep convos going on for a certain amount of time, I was bad at responding, I felt like I wasn't emotionally connecting with people, I felt like a lot of my friends were emotional burdens or leeches (as bad as it is to say, but it's how I felt at the time), I felt tired all the time, I felt alone a lot of the time. I felt like friendships weren't made for me. I was only doing things on my own time table, and when my friends reasonably questioned the unfairness about the situation, I would just make them feel bad or say they didn't understand.
I had to learn that hurting other people is just a bad thing to do. Not that I felt bad for doing it, that it was a bad character flaw, and that being self aware was not enough. That hating the fact I was doing it was not enough. I had to learn if I don't want to do friendships, I shouldn't force people into thinking there was one. I shouldn't make promises that I was going to change if I didn't plan on doing so. I also had to put in effort into my friendships, and I had to learn to be emotionally available more. I had to accept that a friendship meant sacrifices, not staying within my comfort zone.
People don't expect anything from me, because people don't think I'm their friend. And the ones I do deem as a friend, they expect something from me.
It doesn't automatically change when you meet someone, but you will find the motivation to work on it if you find the right person. But they might leave before you're ready to make that change.
