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I think I've spent my entire life watching other people connect from behind a wall I can't name, I see them laugh, click, fold into each other's lives like it's the most natural thing in the world, and I stand outside it, always outside it
I'm autistic, I'm not cute autistic, I'm not quirky or endearing, I'm the kind that makes people uncomfortable without knowing why, the kind that gets left on read, the kind that makes rooms go silent just by existing in them wrong, there's something about me that people instinctively avoid, I've never been able to name it, I just know it's there
every attempt I've made to get close to someone has ended the same way, with them pulling away, sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once, I've learned to expect it, it's not even surprising anymore, just a dull ache that keeps getting heavier each time, like carrying a bag full of things you can't throw away
even online, where everyone says it's easier, I don't belong, I can fake it for a while, craft posts, mimic tone, try to be digestible, but there's always a point where the mask slips, and they see it, the intensity, the flatness, the realism that sounds like negativity, the way I talk about loneliness like it's weather, something permanent, and people don't want to hear it, not really, even in places that claim to be inclusive, you still have to fit in
I don't, I never have, I've been alone for so long it doesn't even feel like a state anymore, it feels like part of me, like it's stitched into the way I speak, the way I look at people, the way I brace for distance even before it happens
I don't know what it feels like to be truly understood, I don't know what it's like to have someone want me around without trying to fix or manage or tolerate me, I've only ever been the burden, the awkward pause, the quiet background character people are relieved to forget
and it's not just that I don't have friends, it's that I don't know how to be someone people can love
I've studied how others do it, I've watched them weave inside jokes, light touches, shared silence that feels warm instead of strained, I've tried to imitate the rhythm of it, but it always falls flat, it always feels like I'm reciting lines from a play I never got to rehearse
they say connection is about being authentic, but my authenticity pushes people away, it's too much, too sharp, too sad, too something I can't turn off
so I dilute it, trim the edges, try to make myself smaller, less inconvenient, more likable, but it doesn't work, it just feels like lying, and even then, they still leave
sometimes I wonder if there's a version of me that could have been loved, if things were different, if I had a softer brain, a more readable face, a voice that didn't make people shift uncomfortably when I speak about how quiet everything feels inside
but that version doesn't exist, only this one does, and I've spent so long being this that I can't imagine being anything else
I don't want to be fixed, I just want to not feel like a mistake every time I'm around others, I want to be seen and not flinched away from, I want the silence around me to mean peace instead of absence
but most of all, I just want to not be so alone all the time.
Aight that was my little autistic rent
I'm autistic, I'm not cute autistic, I'm not quirky or endearing, I'm the kind that makes people uncomfortable without knowing why, the kind that gets left on read, the kind that makes rooms go silent just by existing in them wrong, there's something about me that people instinctively avoid, I've never been able to name it, I just know it's there
every attempt I've made to get close to someone has ended the same way, with them pulling away, sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once, I've learned to expect it, it's not even surprising anymore, just a dull ache that keeps getting heavier each time, like carrying a bag full of things you can't throw away
even online, where everyone says it's easier, I don't belong, I can fake it for a while, craft posts, mimic tone, try to be digestible, but there's always a point where the mask slips, and they see it, the intensity, the flatness, the realism that sounds like negativity, the way I talk about loneliness like it's weather, something permanent, and people don't want to hear it, not really, even in places that claim to be inclusive, you still have to fit in
I don't, I never have, I've been alone for so long it doesn't even feel like a state anymore, it feels like part of me, like it's stitched into the way I speak, the way I look at people, the way I brace for distance even before it happens
I don't know what it feels like to be truly understood, I don't know what it's like to have someone want me around without trying to fix or manage or tolerate me, I've only ever been the burden, the awkward pause, the quiet background character people are relieved to forget
and it's not just that I don't have friends, it's that I don't know how to be someone people can love
I've studied how others do it, I've watched them weave inside jokes, light touches, shared silence that feels warm instead of strained, I've tried to imitate the rhythm of it, but it always falls flat, it always feels like I'm reciting lines from a play I never got to rehearse
they say connection is about being authentic, but my authenticity pushes people away, it's too much, too sharp, too sad, too something I can't turn off
so I dilute it, trim the edges, try to make myself smaller, less inconvenient, more likable, but it doesn't work, it just feels like lying, and even then, they still leave
sometimes I wonder if there's a version of me that could have been loved, if things were different, if I had a softer brain, a more readable face, a voice that didn't make people shift uncomfortably when I speak about how quiet everything feels inside
but that version doesn't exist, only this one does, and I've spent so long being this that I can't imagine being anything else
I don't want to be fixed, I just want to not feel like a mistake every time I'm around others, I want to be seen and not flinched away from, I want the silence around me to mean peace instead of absence
but most of all, I just want to not be so alone all the time.
Aight that was my little autistic rent
. yea but in all seriousness i get what youre saying. ive struggled with social anxiety and human interaction all my life
youre valid man, interacting with ppl is/can be really difficult 
™
Sounds better than keeping it in so that’s good