I want to believe that everyone isn’t inherently evil, but I can’t help but think that even if my upbringing was good and anything that I wished for came my way, I would still be a piece of shit in my heart. I would still bully others. I would still hate myself. I will still want something more, even if everything was perfect, but then again I feel as if this line of thinking may be flawed when I was growing up, I was physically abused by my mom by her friends around her by the people that she brought into our lives. I was sexually abused by people that my mom made connections with I was bullied all throughout my life, things never came easily, and I always make excuses for what I lacked so with this in mind, I would like to believe my upbringing has influenced my line of thinking I don’t know what to believe anymore a few years ago I was an atheist and then found God again, but with everything that has happened and things that continue to happen and looking at everything in a new perspective, I feel as if there is no God and I feel as if all the suffering has been for nothing and I will continue to suffer as long as I’m alive for nothing I’m sorry I would like to say sorry for all the people that may genuinely love me. I’m sorry for all the trouble I have caused you in life. I do not wish to be reborn into a new life. I do not wish to go to heaven or hell. I wish everything would just stop, but I also have an appreciation for the things I’ve experienced and the things I have seen and I do find an abstract beauty in it all, but it’s all so meaningless and it’s brutal.
Gods final judgement will award justice to those who have had unfair experiences in life. To be unfortunate in life is to have it easier, in a sense that the payment you're expected to give back to the world is smaller when the world hasn't treated you well, in contrasts to someone who has had it easy.
The Rich Young Man
"And behold, a man came up to him, saying, "Teacher, what good deed must i do to have eternal life?" And he said to him, "Why do you ask me about what is good? There is only one who is good. If you would enter life, keep the commandments." He said to him, "Which ones?" And Jesus said, "You shall not murder, You shall not commit adultery, You shall not steal, You shall not bear false witness, Honor your father and mother, and, You shall love your neighbor as yourself." The young man said to him, "All these I have kept. What do I still lack?" Jesus said to him, “If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." When the young man heard this he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions. And Jesus said to his disciples, "Truly, I say to you, only with difficulty will a rich person enter the kingdom of heaven."
(Matthew 19:16-23 ESV)
Life is unfair. What truly matters is what you choose to do despite your unfair treatment in life. If you choose to do good even when others are doing evil to you, God will reward you. If you choose to take revenge by repaying evil with evil, revenge is your reward.
The Beatitudes
"And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. "Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. "Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
(Matthew 5:2-12 E5V)
The fact that you are bothered by your behaviour towards others is enough evidence that you are good in your heart. Do not give up on yourself and keep working on your love for humanity.
In Egypt. (Genesis 12:10-20): During a famine, Abraham and Sarah went to Egypt. Fearing the Egyptians would kill him because of Sarah’s beauty, Abraham claimed she was his sister. Pharaoh took Sarah into his household, but God intervened, sending plagues on Pharaoh, who then returned Sarah and rebuked Abraham.
Abraham doubted God even though He promised him safety. He begged forgiveness and God forgave him.
In Gerar. (Genesis 20): Abraham again claimed Sarah was his sister to King Abimelech. Abimelech took Sarah, but God warned him in a dream. Abimelech returned Sarah and confronted Abraham, who admitted his fear of being killed.
Despite Abraham’s repeated doubts, God forgave him and continued to bless him, fulfilling His promise to make Abraham the father of many nations.
Like God forgave Abraham multiple times, he will forgive you when you fail. There is no doubt you will fail, because you are only human. What really matters is that you are trying your best. I dont know you well but i think that eventually you will be able to love humanity.
“Love is is
patient, love is
kind. It
does not envy, it
does not boast, it
is not proud. It
does not dishonour others, it
is not self-seeking, it
is not easily angered, it
keeps no record of wrongs. Love
does not delight in evil but
rejoices with the truth. It
always protects, always
trusts, always
hopes, always
perseveres.”
(1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
