sometimes i remember im a person and not just a projection of what others wish i was and lay outside at late hours when im so sleep deprived it finally clicks im alive, i just lay there and listen to music that ive been to embarrassed to play when im passed the auxiliary cord in my moms shitty old van, i just lay there and think, would i know who i am without others suggesting it?
i think about this but my mild falters and goes blank over who i could have been if i didnt care all that much about what other people on this big floating rock think of me.
the stars fade further because light pollution and my kind killing the earth and all thats beautiful. i all asleep on shitty, rain soaked, playground equipment and wish i understood all that everyone else seems to know already.
maybe that day i skipped in 4th grade they explained how to fit in, how to socialize, how to look for your people whos blood pumps to their hearts in the same pattern it does mine. maybe that day in 6th grade when i had an appointment with my psychiatrist they explained how to be pretty, how to talk to boys, how to style your hair, and what colors look best, maybe that time i was ill in 8th grade they explained how to find peace, what you are not being who you are, how to find happiness in yourself and not care what others believed about you.
my soul is a canvas with too many mediums on it to look pretty, never my own texture hidden by others experiences and expectations of me and who i could have been if i was them in another soul in another light in another universe.
sometimes i remember i have free will and just lay outside, late at night. i just lay there till i fall asleep, i wake up knowing my phone is probably dead and ill have bug bites on my sickeningly pale skin but i know i chose something for myself for once and not others pleasure.
i think about this but my mild falters and goes blank over who i could have been if i didnt care all that much about what other people on this big floating rock think of me.
the stars fade further because light pollution and my kind killing the earth and all thats beautiful. i all asleep on shitty, rain soaked, playground equipment and wish i understood all that everyone else seems to know already.
maybe that day i skipped in 4th grade they explained how to fit in, how to socialize, how to look for your people whos blood pumps to their hearts in the same pattern it does mine. maybe that day in 6th grade when i had an appointment with my psychiatrist they explained how to be pretty, how to talk to boys, how to style your hair, and what colors look best, maybe that time i was ill in 8th grade they explained how to find peace, what you are not being who you are, how to find happiness in yourself and not care what others believed about you.
my soul is a canvas with too many mediums on it to look pretty, never my own texture hidden by others experiences and expectations of me and who i could have been if i was them in another soul in another light in another universe.
sometimes i remember i have free will and just lay outside, late at night. i just lay there till i fall asleep, i wake up knowing my phone is probably dead and ill have bug bites on my sickeningly pale skin but i know i chose something for myself for once and not others pleasure.
