im relatively lean, bmi is like 20 or something, should i focus on putting on size or is just visible abs and non anorexic good enough
Visible abs aren't needed, they help for some girls, and completely don't matter for others. I believe muscles are very overstated on these forums, when height and face is what truly matters. I always thought that muscles are just cope for people that doesn't have one or both of these things.
Take for example someone like Jeff Nippard, he's OK facially, but he's a complete manlet. A woman realistically would never choose him over someone above 6 feet. So he copes with muscles in hope of getting more attractive, but in reality it only makes him look like a silly short minecraft character.
Women don't like bodybuilders and it's obvious, they don't hide it, so I'm not sure why bodybuilders somehow believe they do. The only women that DO like these guys, is women that also bodybuild.
A woman naturally only wants a naturally attractive body - which boils down to frame, height and face (as said before). As long as you look healthy, not anorexic but not fat, and have atleast 2 of these, you'll have good success. However if you DO have an ugly face, you're short, and you have a bad frame, women won't want you. That's only natural.
So in essence, your body is extremely important, because it signals the best partner to women.