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I’m leaving and even though I’ve been saying those words to myself for days trying to get used to them they still feel unreal like they don’t belong to me like they’re something I might wake up from but the truth is I won’t and the truth is every second that passes brings me closer to the moment where I have to take that step away and once I do I can’t come back the same and I think that’s what makes this so heavy because leaving isn’t just walking out of a door it’s walking out of a whole life I’ve known and a version of myself I’ve been for so long and I’ve been looking around at everything differently lately the walls the windows the way the light drifts across the floor in the late afternoon and I keep thinking about how tomorrow or the day after these small everyday things will no longer be mine to see and I’ll be somewhere else with a different view a different air a different set of sounds and it’s not that I don’t want to go it’s just that I wish I could take all of this with me in a way that’s more than just memory but I know that’s impossible and that’s what hurts the most because memories fade and even the strongest ones lose their edges over time and I’m scared of forgetting I’m scared of not remembering the exact sound of certain laughs or the way someone looked at me in a moment that meant more than they realized I’m scared of losing the feeling of belonging that I’ve had here because no matter how much I try to prepare myself nothing can actually replace it I know the people here will go on with their days and nights just like I will and that’s how it should be but part of me aches at the thought that I’ll go from being someone who’s here every day to someone who’s spoken about in the past tense and maybe once in a while remembered when a certain song plays or a certain joke comes up but not in the same way and I guess that’s the way life works people leave and new people arrive and places change and yet here I am wanting to pause time and stay a little longer even though I know I can’t and I’ve been trying to hold on to everything the voices the smells the quiet moments that seem so ordinary now but I know I’ll crave them later and I’m carrying all of it with me the good and the bad the laughter the tears the lessons the nights I felt like I belonged and the nights I didn’t because they’re all part of me now they’ve shaped me in ways I don’t even fully understand yet and maybe someday I will but for now I just know that leaving means carrying a whole piece of my life inside me and learning how to live without it being around me anymore and maybe that’s the hardest thing about goodbyes they’re never just about the moment you go they’re about every moment that follows where you have to keep going without the things you’ve known and loved right there beside you and as I step into whatever comes next I hope this place and these people know that they’ll always be with me in ways they might never see because I’ll still think of them in quiet moments I’ll still hear their voices in my head and I’ll still remember the way it felt to be here and belong and no matter where I go or how much time passes there will always be a version of me that never left still standing here still smiling still holding this place in my heart like a home I can never lose.
