Deleted Member 98440
ihatemeletsdie
- Joined
- Dec 18, 2025
- Messages
- 29
- Time Online
- 12h 48s
- Reputation
- 71
it's hard to redirect my energy to do anything productive because of a number of things lately.
i can perform and do way better if i wasn't being held in place by task paralysis and shit. it's so annoying. i can feel it as something that can be bettered overtime if i let go of putting my worth into the hands, feelings and reactions of other people.
and i hate being online because everything feels so superficial. half the time i'm just stuck re-evaluating the type of people i have around - it really doesn't help that people in uni only ever come to you for work or surface-level bullshit. i wish people would reach out. im tired of having to be the one who has to initiate this shit all the time.
when i feel this tied down and bored, i resort to being stuck on my phone, playing games or watching long-form youtube videos instead of being on tiktok (since it's a greater evil in comparison) and i will not demonize myself for it because i believe that given my circumstances, it's pretty much something i expect myself to do to self-soothe - doesn't mean it's something im okay with doing tho.
showers help. naps do too, but i can't afford to laze around because of exam season. it's been harder to study, sleep and wake up in general. what helps the least is i've lost so many people this year (came to terms with it tho), been coping with abuse IRL and have old bad habits resurfacing so bad. it feels like an eternal rut that only gets better for a couple hours then goes to shit again.
i could dissociate but i've never been the one to ignore feelings when they come up like this. i could ignore it all for the sake of my finals but it just doesn't feel right.
i opened up about the abuse and shit to only one person im super close to IRL, and being seen by someone that loves me felt good but i also felt so naked and exposed. they exchanged info that put them in that position too which was sweet but man. i don't know why this shit makes me shut down for hours on end.
i could be journaling abt this but i don't want to feel gay and writing so much hurts and also typing is way faster.
i can perform and do way better if i wasn't being held in place by task paralysis and shit. it's so annoying. i can feel it as something that can be bettered overtime if i let go of putting my worth into the hands, feelings and reactions of other people.
and i hate being online because everything feels so superficial. half the time i'm just stuck re-evaluating the type of people i have around - it really doesn't help that people in uni only ever come to you for work or surface-level bullshit. i wish people would reach out. im tired of having to be the one who has to initiate this shit all the time.
when i feel this tied down and bored, i resort to being stuck on my phone, playing games or watching long-form youtube videos instead of being on tiktok (since it's a greater evil in comparison) and i will not demonize myself for it because i believe that given my circumstances, it's pretty much something i expect myself to do to self-soothe - doesn't mean it's something im okay with doing tho.
showers help. naps do too, but i can't afford to laze around because of exam season. it's been harder to study, sleep and wake up in general. what helps the least is i've lost so many people this year (came to terms with it tho), been coping with abuse IRL and have old bad habits resurfacing so bad. it feels like an eternal rut that only gets better for a couple hours then goes to shit again.
i could dissociate but i've never been the one to ignore feelings when they come up like this. i could ignore it all for the sake of my finals but it just doesn't feel right.
i opened up about the abuse and shit to only one person im super close to IRL, and being seen by someone that loves me felt good but i also felt so naked and exposed. they exchanged info that put them in that position too which was sweet but man. i don't know why this shit makes me shut down for hours on end.
i could be journaling abt this but i don't want to feel gay and writing so much hurts and also typing is way faster.