Oh no I've finally been able to access my core trauma at fucking 27

[height]

This is terrible. Well I guess it's none of your business tho. Huh. I've only written down relevant traumatic events from age 5 to 14. I just wanted to know. Oh this isn't good at all. Nah. After I felt the event I uh felt a deep hatred for the world. This isn't good I've tried provoking a deadly panic attack by thinking about it about 4 years ago but I couldn't access it and now Im getting one again. The issue is I still have 13 years to go. This isn't good. It's probably going to take two more days to fully integrate and heal myself. Oh now I remember how it happened. I've read that talking out loudly could reduce the anxiety of a younger version of myself. It did actually work which led me to ask questions and explain my situation to younger versions of myself. But now I just know that there is no hope for anyone objectively speaking. Omg I have emotions this feels I have no fucking idea what to do with emotions. I guess that's autism. This is disgusting I feel like bad if I want to hurt someone. Like wtf. Ok. I will see if I can actually live with emotions or if it's worse and if it's worse I attempt to switch myself with my sister and make my dad beat my 5 year old self to the brink of death. That should erase my conscience and empathy completely but it would also make me sadistic. That feels good tho. Being dangerous feels good it feels safe.

 

[Decay]

Take this shit to the journal

 

[Darkeningstar]

This is terrible. Well I guess it's none of your business tho. Huh. I've only written down relevant traumatic events from age 5 to 14. I just wanted to know. Oh this isn't good at all. Nah. After I felt the event I uh felt a deep hatred for the world. This isn't good I've tried provoking a deadly panic attack by thinking about it about 4 years ago but I couldn't access it and now Im getting one again. The issue is I still have 13 years to go. This isn't good. It's probably going to take two more days to fully integrate and heal myself. Oh now I remember how it happened. I've read that talking out loudly could reduce the anxiety of a younger version of myself. It did actually work which led me to ask questions and explain my situation to younger versions of myself. But now I just know that there is no hope for anyone objectively speaking. Omg I have emotions this feels I have no fucking idea what to do with emotions. I guess that's autism. This is disgusting I feel like bad if I want to hurt someone. Like wtf. Ok. I will see if I can actually live with emotions or if it's worse and if it's worse I attempt to switch myself with my sister and make my dad beat my 5 year old self to the brink of death. That should erase my conscience and empathy completely but it would also make me sadistic. That feels good tho. Being dangerous feels good it feels safe.

Wouldn’t work, save your energy

 

[height]

Wouldn’t work, save your energy

I don't think I have to do that. I've felt sexual feelings. They feel the nah they feel just as intense. I like this therapy shit. This isn't fair at all. I literally couldn't feel sexual energy my entire life until now. I didn't even care with my gf because I wanted to make her feel good and love her. Well I had no idea you can feel sexually attracted like energetically. I have literally no idea why anyone even thinks that cold approach requires talking. You literally just have to build tension. Nah civilization is a bigger scam than I thought