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thread where I dump my writings

icnone

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original thread title: If you aren’t perfect, you aren’t ready for a relationship yet​

dnr warning, I'm too lazy to write a tldr​

Why would a normal, mentally sound person who has their life together waste their time on somebody who is a complete mess? They could very easily date the abundance of other normal people around them. Relationships are for those who have a firm hold on things in their life and everything is going well.

I would peg relationships at the “self-actualization” level in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, because relationships are meant for perfect people to enjoy life to its fullest extent. The natural objection to this is that there is a level meant for relationships in Maslow’s hierarchy, namely the belonging and intimacy levels. However, this stems from naively viewing Maslow’s hierarchy as a pyramid with disjoint, unconnected levels. Relationships from the top of the pyramid can feed down to these levels and help a person experience belonging and intimacy more strongly, and vice versa. Furthermore, a mentally sound person can use stopgap measures to fulfill their belonging requirements (like friendships) as they climb the pyramid, so a relationship itself is not a prerequisite for having a relationship.

Now consider an example of a person who has not got everything together: a person who is having financial troubles and does not have a job. Given that there are many employed and financially stable people to pick from, people are far less likely to pick that unemployed person. However, the unemployed person has a straightforward answer to his situation: get a job. No matter how difficult it may be, the solution is straightforward as it can be.

But what about people whose problems stem from feeling unvalued to begin with? Let us focus in particular on attachment style theory from psychology. People with insecure attachment are more likely to feel unvalued because they believe that 1) other people are not emotionally responsive to their needs and/or 2) they are not worthy of love to begin with. This manifests as a combination of unlikeable outward behaviors, such as avoidance, neediness, and clinginess. It is a well-established fact in psychology that the cure to insecure attachment is very much having a partner with secure attachment. No amount of therapy can change the underlying feeling that somebody is unvalued without actually having somebody to value them.

However, this creates a trap: people with insecure attachment ooze these unlikeable behaviors through their skin. Many of these behaviors are subconscious and nearly impossible to eliminate without directly transitioning to secure attachment. However, a normal securely attached person is far less likely to waste their time putting up with the mental issues of an insecurely attached person. Therefore, people with insecure attachment (especially severe insecure attachment) cannot find a relationship due to this catch-22.

Now, there is a clear objection to all of this: what if, despite one’s flaws, a normal person chooses to love a broken person? First and foremost, such a pairing is very unlikely to happen due to the prevalence of other normal people throughout society. There would need to be a strong reason to date the broken person, such as very strong chemistry. But chemistry is not the end-all-be-all of a relationship, and mental issues will constantly throw a wrench in the relationship and make it much more likely to fail. What I mean to say is that although a relationship could work out, it is almost certainly guaranteed not to.

Prevention of mental issues is a far easier problem to tackle than the curing of said issues. This is why people should put their utmost effort into flourishing in their formative years. Society has put a large social safety net for children, so if a person screws up as a kid, they can easily move past their mistake. But once this grace period is past, fixing one’s life if they never had a proper life to begin with (and thus never developed secure attachment and proper social skills) is very difficult and requires a combination of effort, luck, and simply guessing correctly at how normal humans behave because there is no guidebook containing information on all the small behaviors that make up normal humans.

So what is the solution for those who are unvalued and suffering from mental issues? We must determine whether these people on an individual level still hold value to a society as a whole, through metrics such as contribution to the economy. If a person ends up being net negative, and they are suffering with no hope for remission, then euthanizing them is not only the right thing to do, it is what we are obligated to do. Such people are both suffering and draining society; their absence is what is best for both us and them.
 
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shit I probably should have added a tldr​

whatever, here's more stuff I've written today and in the past. gonna get as much stuff out there before @insomnia logs online and enters in my requested ban




The world deceived me, or rather I deceived myself. I came into this world with a right state of mind, knowing that I could rely on nobody but myself. There was always a glass between me and other people, even if it was fainter in childhood. But as time went on, I drifted into a state of error and believed that genuinely caring for people and emotional intimacy was real, or at least existed in greatly exaggerated forms than they actually do. Whether this came from the media or seeing people around me enjoying friendships through a distorted and biased lens, I do not know.

I was hurt time and time again because I held this delusional belief. The idea of closeness that I had did not exist in the real world, and thus my repeated expectations of it always failed. The average person too must experience this, a glass wall separating between them and everyone. If this simple fact of life causes me so much pain, then I am not strong for even normal human existence. The only solution is to remove myself from the gene pool so my tendencies to attach to delusional expectations are not passed down, or to become strong enough to withstand what the average person bears with on a daily basis.

Funerals are performative. Why do friends show up to a funeral? A friendship simply existed for temporary social pleasure and belonging while the two were both alive. It has no intrinsic meaning. Once a person is dead, they not remembered because they are no longer useful for creating that feeling. A dead friend has no use to a person. Why do people bother showing up to the funeral?

And why does the dead person’s partner cry as he is lowered into his grave? She doesn’t cry his death itself. She mourns the lost emotional investment. An investment does not yield a scalar quantity; rather it yields a unique experience. Once that unique experience is gone, it cannot be experience again. That is what she truly mourns, not that the person she loved is dead. There is nothing but a bottomless pit of cynicism.
 
this entry is from mid april

I was browsing reddit when I came across r/singlemoms and this post caught my eye:
I’m 25yo with a 10 month old. I loathe the father of my child. He’s a horrible person and I hate that I allowed myself to have a child with him.

Now that I’m trying to get back out there and find someone who might actually treat me well, I’m a little upset however.

I’m only 25, my body now looks like a deflated balloon, my breasts drag along the ground behind me and so does my ass. I’ve spent the last year unemployed (I’m a SAHM). I find that men my age aren’t exactly looking to settle down and be someone’s step daddy (not that I’m looking for that specifically in a man either) and they could very easily find someone else my age whose body hasn’t been stretched and pulled apart. I’m also not “take home to mommy and daddy” material either. I have no credentials, no qualifications, I haven’t had a job in a while. All I am right now is a mom.

The only redeeming quality about me is my face, but even that is drab right now with the little time I have to actually take care of myself. I look decent enough with a bit of makeup on, but without it, I look terrible. Tired. I’m worn, I’m unskilled.. and now I’m alone.

The best part about having my child is my child. He’s amazing and I couldn’t have wished for a better baby. I love having him in my life, but I feel like I lost so much. Looks, time to get my life in order etc. I could have dealt with the change in my appearance and my lack of credentials if I could stay with the father and guarantee I wouldn’t be treated like shit, but I can’t. Now I feel like I’m nothing. Like I’m worth nothing. I hate myself for giving myself away to a piece of shit.
I'd like to discuss societal ethics and detach ourselves of our normal norms of what we have a knee-jerk reaction to and say "wtf that's evil!" Now, with this unbiased perspective, I would like to ask: why doesn't she just kill her child? It would make things a lot easier for her and eliminate the pain for both her and her child.

I used to be pro-life, but my experiences have made me support not only infanticide but also retroactive abortions well into adulthood. I don't really see what is wrong with infanticide in this case:
  1. Some people might say infanticide is painful, but in the modern day we have painless methods like injection. I do not consider anybody to merit their justification for their continued existence on having a conscious or feeling pain because we have painless methods for dispatching humans. I would more broadly argue this is applicable to any human, infant or not, and that we overvalue human life itself because we project our own consciousness and pain onto others, but I digress.
  2. I do not get why single mothers cling so much to their infants. They've only known it for so few months. You could literally swap it out for any other infant and it would be the same experience. There is nobody to establish worth for that particular infant infant. There are no outsiders who have made memories with that infant in particular. It has barely lived its life, and the mother has no reason to have emotional stake in it yet. If the infant dies, she can just make a new one. Infants do not have any inherent worth, except from instinctively-driven reactions in parents, which are largely emotional and have no logical basis.
And more importantly, sticking together is only going to cause hardship for the both of them. The mother is going to having dating problems because she has a bastard child, and the child will grow up without a father and on a single parent salary.

Side note: while my mom was not a single mother, I wish she had killed me when I was a newborn. It would have greatly benefited my parents to try again and get a child with better genes. What I mean by "I have no value" is that an accident or something could happen to me one day, and I don't think people should mourn my death. The hospital should treat me as long as I can pay, otherwise euthanasia is the answer. If I get run over and turned into a mushed pancake by a semitruck in the street, I think bystanders should treat it like a normal occurrence and keep walking.
 
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another one from mid april

When you realize some people inherently deserve to suffer from the day they were born, everything makes sense. Why was I bullied many times over and over as a kid? Because I was inherently born as a shitty person. I was a genetic defect, a lump of biowaste that should have been disposed long ago, a filthy wart that escaped the hole it grew out of and was now growing bigger and bigger like a cancer. A cancer needs to be put in his place.

Why was I unable to make friends in high school? Why was I socially excluded in college? Because people have the ability to recognize defects, flawed byproducts of the system, and steer clear of such contaminants. Why does nobody like me? Because I am a shitty person, and that sensation oozes out from me. Whether it’s through a computer screen or in real life, people get the sensation that I am a shitty person. They know, “this person is an unlikable sack of shit. Steer clear.” Why am I morbidly obese and ugly? Because I am a shitty person, and that is what shitty people deserve. I was born a shitty person and that is why from the moment I was brought into this world, I deserved suffering. Suffering is my inherent purpose.

I remember talking to somebody, saying that social media feeds into insecurities of young people about their appearance. They were saddened by that. I was not saddened. In every society, there needs to be bottom of the barrel trash. There is bottom of the barrel trash because any society requires a hierarchy. And with a hierarchy, there must be undesirables, people who are valued by nobody. These people must be made fun of. They must suffer. They exist to suffer and nothing else. I am not saddened by this, no. I support this. I love this. People suffering is the way the world works. We must support this cycle and continue causing them suffering.

What if we wanted to build a society where nobody suffers? We have many tools are our disposal. We can euthanize people who are sad. We can use eugenics to prevent unvalued people from being born. We can then erase the bottom of the barrel category entirely. People who are not happy do not have the right to life. The right to life comes from feeling happiness. Euthanizing these people is the best tool at our disposal to benefit both them and people who feel happy. Does it not make perfect sense? If somebody holds value to no other person, what right do they have to exist? If they could at least feel happy, they could argue that they have a right to live for themselves. But they are unhappy. They are suffering. We must euthanize them for the benefit of us all.
 

dnr warning, I'm too lazy to write a tldr​

Why would a normal, mentally sound person who has their life together waste their time on somebody who is a complete mess? They could very easily date the abundance of other normal people around them. Relationships are for those who have a firm hold on things in their life and everything is going well.

I would peg relationships at the “self-actualization” level in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, because relationships are meant for perfect people to enjoy life to its fullest extent. The natural objection to this is that there is a level meant for relationships in Maslow’s hierarchy, namely the belonging and intimacy levels. However, this stems from naively viewing Maslow’s hierarchy as a pyramid with disjoint, unconnected levels. Relationships from the top of the pyramid can feed down to these levels and help a person experience belonging and intimacy more strongly, and vice versa. Furthermore, a mentally sound person can use stopgap measures to fulfill their belonging requirements (like friendships) as they climb the pyramid, so a relationship itself is not a prerequisite for having a relationship.

Now consider an example of a person who has not got everything together: a person who is having financial troubles and does not have a job. Given that there are many employed and financially stable people to pick from, people are far less likely to pick that unemployed person. However, the unemployed person has a straightforward answer to his situation: get a job. No matter how difficult it may be, the solution is straightforward as it can be.

But what about people whose problems stem from feeling unvalued to begin with? Let us focus in particular on attachment style theory from psychology. People with insecure attachment are more likely to feel unvalued because they believe that 1) other people are not emotionally responsive to their needs and/or 2) they are not worthy of love to begin with. This manifests as a combination of unlikeable outward behaviors, such as avoidance, neediness, and clinginess. It is a well-established fact in psychology that the cure to insecure attachment is very much having a partner with secure attachment. No amount of therapy can change the underlying feeling that somebody is unvalued without actually having somebody to value them.

However, this creates a trap: people with insecure attachment ooze these unlikeable behaviors through their skin. Many of these behaviors are subconscious and nearly impossible to eliminate without directly transitioning to secure attachment. However, a normal securely attached person is far less likely to waste their time putting up with the mental issues of an insecurely attached person. Therefore, people with insecure attachment (especially severe insecure attachment) cannot find a relationship due to this catch-22.

Now, there is a clear objection to all of this: what if, despite one’s flaws, a normal person chooses to love a broken person? First and foremost, such a pairing is very unlikely to happen due to the prevalence of other normal people throughout society. There would need to be a strong reason to date the broken person, such as very strong chemistry. But chemistry is not the end-all-be-all of a relationship, and mental issues will constantly throw a wrench in the relationship and make it much more likely to fail. What I mean to say is that although a relationship could work out, it is almost certainly guaranteed not to.

Prevention of mental issues is a far easier problem to tackle than the curing of said issues. This is why people should put their utmost effort into flourishing in their formative years. Society has put a large social safety net for children, so if a person screws up as a kid, they can easily move past their mistake. But once this grace period is past, fixing one’s life if they never had a proper life to begin with (and thus never developed secure attachment and proper social skills) is very difficult and requires a combination of effort, luck, and simply guessing correctly at how normal humans behave because there is no guidebook containing information on all the small behaviors that make up normal humans.

So what is the solution for those who are unvalued and suffering from mental issues? We must determine whether these people on an individual level still hold value to a society as a whole, through metrics such as contribution to the economy. If a person ends up being net negative, and they are suffering with no hope for remission, then euthanizing them is not only the right thing to do, it is what we are obligated to do. Such people are both suffering and draining society; their absence is what is best for both us and them.
interesting
dnr no one is perfect
dnr niglet

im perfect

high psl n*****s: @BigDihDiddy @lowtiersubhuman @Blackpillirony @kifykify
 
this one is from early april

I had a dream last night where I was venting to my friend (I do not have any friends in reality). I was telling him things were getting hard to bear. But he was fed up of my constant venting, and he tied a noose and hung it from the wall. He explained to me that if I was actually suicidal and not an attention seeker, I would hang myself. He then left the room to go talk to people outside the building.

I understood that I was being tested. It was very clear to me that I could not bear the shame of being outed as an attention seeker. I walked up to the noose, put my head through it, and tightened it. I began suffocating. To make the suffocation easier, I began counting the seconds so I could focus on something besides the asphyxiation, but time was moving very fast and I could only count upwards in terms of 2 seconds. My friend came back by 3 minutes and 30 seconds, but I had already lost consciousness at this point. He screamed for help, and multiple people came in the room to get me out of the noose. I then woke up in an hospital that evening with multiple people greeting me. They didn’t have sad faces though, they were smiling with glee. Then my dream ended.

My dream reminded me of this video I saw. A dipshit father hands his son a gun, telling him to fix his life or shoot himself. The son shoots himself dead, and the parents become hysterical. Why are people such dipshits and assholes when you are alive, but all of a sudden start caring when you are dead? It's worse than them not caring outright when you die, because they aren't emotionally blackmailing you to stay here.
 
interesting

dnr niglet

im perfect

high psl n*****s: @BigDihDiddy @lowtiersubhuman @Blackpillirony @kifykify
Yo thank you my bro
She has me on ignore anyways
Imma still mog
21949.webp
 

dnr warning, I'm too lazy to write a tldr​

Why would a normal, mentally sound person who has their life together waste their time on somebody who is a complete mess? They could very easily date the abundance of other normal people around them. Relationships are for those who have a firm hold on things in their life and everything is going well.

I would peg relationships at the “self-actualization” level in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, because relationships are meant for perfect people to enjoy life to its fullest extent. The natural objection to this is that there is a level meant for relationships in Maslow’s hierarchy, namely the belonging and intimacy levels. However, this stems from naively viewing Maslow’s hierarchy as a pyramid with disjoint, unconnected levels. Relationships from the top of the pyramid can feed down to these levels and help a person experience belonging and intimacy more strongly, and vice versa. Furthermore, a mentally sound person can use stopgap measures to fulfill their belonging requirements (like friendships) as they climb the pyramid, so a relationship itself is not a prerequisite for having a relationship.

Now consider an example of a person who has not got everything together: a person who is having financial troubles and does not have a job. Given that there are many employed and financially stable people to pick from, people are far less likely to pick that unemployed person. However, the unemployed person has a straightforward answer to his situation: get a job. No matter how difficult it may be, the solution is straightforward as it can be.

But what about people whose problems stem from feeling unvalued to begin with? Let us focus in particular on attachment style theory from psychology. People with insecure attachment are more likely to feel unvalued because they believe that 1) other people are not emotionally responsive to their needs and/or 2) they are not worthy of love to begin with. This manifests as a combination of unlikeable outward behaviors, such as avoidance, neediness, and clinginess. It is a well-established fact in psychology that the cure to insecure attachment is very much having a partner with secure attachment. No amount of therapy can change the underlying feeling that somebody is unvalued without actually having somebody to value them.

However, this creates a trap: people with insecure attachment ooze these unlikeable behaviors through their skin. Many of these behaviors are subconscious and nearly impossible to eliminate without directly transitioning to secure attachment. However, a normal securely attached person is far less likely to waste their time putting up with the mental issues of an insecurely attached person. Therefore, people with insecure attachment (especially severe insecure attachment) cannot find a relationship due to this catch-22.

Now, there is a clear objection to all of this: what if, despite one’s flaws, a normal person chooses to love a broken person? First and foremost, such a pairing is very unlikely to happen due to the prevalence of other normal people throughout society. There would need to be a strong reason to date the broken person, such as very strong chemistry. But chemistry is not the end-all-be-all of a relationship, and mental issues will constantly throw a wrench in the relationship and make it much more likely to fail. What I mean to say is that although a relationship could work out, it is almost certainly guaranteed not to.

Prevention of mental issues is a far easier problem to tackle than the curing of said issues. This is why people should put their utmost effort into flourishing in their formative years. Society has put a large social safety net for children, so if a person screws up as a kid, they can easily move past their mistake. But once this grace period is past, fixing one’s life if they never had a proper life to begin with (and thus never developed secure attachment and proper social skills) is very difficult and requires a combination of effort, luck, and simply guessing correctly at how normal humans behave because there is no guidebook containing information on all the small behaviors that make up normal humans.

So what is the solution for those who are unvalued and suffering from mental issues? We must determine whether these people on an individual level still hold value to a society as a whole, through metrics such as contribution to the economy. If a person ends up being net negative, and they are suffering with no hope for remission, then euthanizing them is not only the right thing to do, it is what we are obligated to do. Such people are both suffering and draining society; their absence is what is best for both us and them.
holy guacamole
how long u self banning for?
 
I'm all for long posts but this might be too long g
 
My reason to live despite being an inferior, is literally just my fear of pain, delusions that things will be better and hatred for others
I mention in the last paragraph of my post:
So what is the solution for those who are unvalued and suffering from mental issues? We must determine whether these people on an individual level still hold value to a society as a whole, through metrics such as contribution to the economy. If a person ends up being net negative, and they are suffering with no hope for remission, then euthanizing them is not only the right thing to do, it is what we are obligated to do. Such people are both suffering and draining society; their absence is what is best for both us and them.
Do you think you have any redeeming qualities?
 
I don't really, also my bad my brain's a little fried from that college prep thing
If the government sponsored a painless euthanasia via lethal injection for you, would you take it?
 

dnr warning, I'm too lazy to write a tldr​

Why would a normal, mentally sound person who has their life together waste their time on somebody who is a complete mess? They could very easily date the abundance of other normal people around them. Relationships are for those who have a firm hold on things in their life and everything is going well.

I would peg relationships at the “self-actualization” level in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, because relationships are meant for perfect people to enjoy life to its fullest extent. The natural objection to this is that there is a level meant for relationships in Maslow’s hierarchy, namely the belonging and intimacy levels. However, this stems from naively viewing Maslow’s hierarchy as a pyramid with disjoint, unconnected levels. Relationships from the top of the pyramid can feed down to these levels and help a person experience belonging and intimacy more strongly, and vice versa. Furthermore, a mentally sound person can use stopgap measures to fulfill their belonging requirements (like friendships) as they climb the pyramid, so a relationship itself is not a prerequisite for having a relationship.

Now consider an example of a person who has not got everything together: a person who is having financial troubles and does not have a job. Given that there are many employed and financially stable people to pick from, people are far less likely to pick that unemployed person. However, the unemployed person has a straightforward answer to his situation: get a job. No matter how difficult it may be, the solution is straightforward as it can be.

But what about people whose problems stem from feeling unvalued to begin with? Let us focus in particular on attachment style theory from psychology. People with insecure attachment are more likely to feel unvalued because they believe that 1) other people are not emotionally responsive to their needs and/or 2) they are not worthy of love to begin with. This manifests as a combination of unlikeable outward behaviors, such as avoidance, neediness, and clinginess. It is a well-established fact in psychology that the cure to insecure attachment is very much having a partner with secure attachment. No amount of therapy can change the underlying feeling that somebody is unvalued without actually having somebody to value them.

However, this creates a trap: people with insecure attachment ooze these unlikeable behaviors through their skin. Many of these behaviors are subconscious and nearly impossible to eliminate without directly transitioning to secure attachment. However, a normal securely attached person is far less likely to waste their time putting up with the mental issues of an insecurely attached person. Therefore, people with insecure attachment (especially severe insecure attachment) cannot find a relationship due to this catch-22.

Now, there is a clear objection to all of this: what if, despite one’s flaws, a normal person chooses to love a broken person? First and foremost, such a pairing is very unlikely to happen due to the prevalence of other normal people throughout society. There would need to be a strong reason to date the broken person, such as very strong chemistry. But chemistry is not the end-all-be-all of a relationship, and mental issues will constantly throw a wrench in the relationship and make it much more likely to fail. What I mean to say is that although a relationship could work out, it is almost certainly guaranteed not to.

Prevention of mental issues is a far easier problem to tackle than the curing of said issues. This is why people should put their utmost effort into flourishing in their formative years. Society has put a large social safety net for children, so if a person screws up as a kid, they can easily move past their mistake. But once this grace period is past, fixing one’s life if they never had a proper life to begin with (and thus never developed secure attachment and proper social skills) is very difficult and requires a combination of effort, luck, and simply guessing correctly at how normal humans behave because there is no guidebook containing information on all the small behaviors that make up normal humans.

So what is the solution for those who are unvalued and suffering from mental issues? We must determine whether these people on an individual level still hold value to a society as a whole, through metrics such as contribution to the economy. If a person ends up being net negative, and they are suffering with no hope for remission, then euthanizing them is not only the right thing to do, it is what we are obligated to do. Such people are both suffering and draining society; their absence is what is best for both us and them.
I’m not going to get into a relationship until I have my crap together
 
Probably not because of the needle
Certainly there are other 100% pain free methods, like anesthesia before the actual euthanasia
Also I have moral obligations to my family
So according to my last paragraph, you still hold value to someone, which disqualifies you as a candidate for euthanasia. However, if your family were to find a way to find alternative solutions to the needs you originally solved, then yes, you would qualify for euthanasia again under this framework.
 
I aint reading allat
 
I aint reading allat
that's partially the point
I can hide whatever opinions that would normally get me banned behind a wall of text
 

dnr warning, I'm too lazy to write a tldr​

Why would a normal, mentally sound person who has their life together waste their time on somebody who is a complete mess? They could very easily date the abundance of other normal people around them. Relationships are for those who have a firm hold on things in their life and everything is going well.

I would peg relationships at the “self-actualization” level in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, because relationships are meant for perfect people to enjoy life to its fullest extent. The natural objection to this is that there is a level meant for relationships in Maslow’s hierarchy, namely the belonging and intimacy levels. However, this stems from naively viewing Maslow’s hierarchy as a pyramid with disjoint, unconnected levels. Relationships from the top of the pyramid can feed down to these levels and help a person experience belonging and intimacy more strongly, and vice versa. Furthermore, a mentally sound person can use stopgap measures to fulfill their belonging requirements (like friendships) as they climb the pyramid, so a relationship itself is not a prerequisite for having a relationship.

Now consider an example of a person who has not got everything together: a person who is having financial troubles and does not have a job. Given that there are many employed and financially stable people to pick from, people are far less likely to pick that unemployed person. However, the unemployed person has a straightforward answer to his situation: get a job. No matter how difficult it may be, the solution is straightforward as it can be.

But what about people whose problems stem from feeling unvalued to begin with? Let us focus in particular on attachment style theory from psychology. People with insecure attachment are more likely to feel unvalued because they believe that 1) other people are not emotionally responsive to their needs and/or 2) they are not worthy of love to begin with. This manifests as a combination of unlikeable outward behaviors, such as avoidance, neediness, and clinginess. It is a well-established fact in psychology that the cure to insecure attachment is very much having a partner with secure attachment. No amount of therapy can change the underlying feeling that somebody is unvalued without actually having somebody to value them.

However, this creates a trap: people with insecure attachment ooze these unlikeable behaviors through their skin. Many of these behaviors are subconscious and nearly impossible to eliminate without directly transitioning to secure attachment. However, a normal securely attached person is far less likely to waste their time putting up with the mental issues of an insecurely attached person. Therefore, people with insecure attachment (especially severe insecure attachment) cannot find a relationship due to this catch-22.

Now, there is a clear objection to all of this: what if, despite one’s flaws, a normal person chooses to love a broken person? First and foremost, such a pairing is very unlikely to happen due to the prevalence of other normal people throughout society. There would need to be a strong reason to date the broken person, such as very strong chemistry. But chemistry is not the end-all-be-all of a relationship, and mental issues will constantly throw a wrench in the relationship and make it much more likely to fail. What I mean to say is that although a relationship could work out, it is almost certainly guaranteed not to.

Prevention of mental issues is a far easier problem to tackle than the curing of said issues. This is why people should put their utmost effort into flourishing in their formative years. Society has put a large social safety net for children, so if a person screws up as a kid, they can easily move past their mistake. But once this grace period is past, fixing one’s life if they never had a proper life to begin with (and thus never developed secure attachment and proper social skills) is very difficult and requires a combination of effort, luck, and simply guessing correctly at how normal humans behave because there is no guidebook containing information on all the small behaviors that make up normal humans.

So what is the solution for those who are unvalued and suffering from mental issues? We must determine whether these people on an individual level still hold value to a society as a whole, through metrics such as contribution to the economy. If a person ends up being net negative, and they are suffering with no hope for remission, then euthanizing them is not only the right thing to do, it is what we are obligated to do. Such people are both suffering and draining society; their absence is what is best for both us and them.
I’m not in the mood to read but here’s a gold rep
 
Here I propose “withdrawal theory.” The TLDR is that net negatives to society should be eliminated.

This theory extends something I had written earlier:
You can be as pathetic as you want if you are lonely. Since nobody knows you, your life doesn’t actually hold stipulation to anyone which means you can live your life however you want it and wouldn’t make a difference. If you were removed altogether, the world would not change in the slightest. Think about it this way: you are a variable in an equation whose coefficient is zero. No matter what value that variable changes to, you still have no bearing effect on the overall value. By extension, what you feel has no bearing effect whatsoever either. But what about future states? Certainly in one or two years from now, you could have lots of people who care about you. So we must revise this rule: it does not apply to children. While I am not happy with this change (orphaned homeless children hold zero value to the world), it does make sense for those over 18: they’ve had years to develop and flourish and they still are lonely. This indicates a failure on their part. Although in some rare cases they can develop value, statistically speaking they lack value. In the vast majority of cases they are indeed net negatives, competing for resources with other people while not contributing more than the GDP per capita. If they hold no value, they do not deserve resources.
These ideas led me to “withdrawal theory” which states that if somebody is inherently evil or worthless, they can make amends by withdrawing from society. If they withdraw, then their negative qualities will not affect anybody. If there are not around people, how could they negatively affect them? The goal of withdrawal theory is to mark and eliminate net negative citizens. This includes those who lack intelligence, skills, education, emotional regulation, have genetic disorders, have mental disorders, have unattractive traits, are simply lower in the hierarchy, are just fucking assholes, etc. The list goes on and on, but I would lack the emphasize that last one, as I believe I would fall into that category.

Now what does “withdrawing” mean? It depends on a case by case basis. For some, they still live in human society. However, they stop trying to get personally involved with anybody. They live in their own apartment by themselves. At work, they do not get personally involved with the coworkers and maintain a professional distance everywhere. They are not known by anyone, and when they die, they are not mourned by anyone. This is the ideal option if that person still has something left to contribute to society (how we determine that is another matter, but I think amount they contribute back to the economy versus how much they take is a good heuristic).

What if somebody is a net negative for the future, i.e. they will take more than they give? There are two options I see for them: either they elect to be euthanized, or they are to relocate to somewhere far away from civilization, say, in the woods and live on their own. As long as they do not majorly disturb that natural life there and cause economic disruption for the rest of civilization, they should be allowed to live freely.

Note: another possible perspective I considered about relocation was the ethics of leaving society after so much work has been put in to raising said person. However, this quickly devolves into a classic case of the sunken cost fallacy, which we should avoid and known when to cut our losses. In an ideal world, we can screen people ahead of time before many resources have been put into them (say, in childhood or ideally during conception) and offer relocation/euthanasia/abortion/etc as valid solutions.

Now, to counter some common objections to withdrawal theory:
  1. “Nobody ever has a coefficient of exactly zero”: that is true but we can eliminate people through rounding error. Not being exactly zero is not an excuse to be useless and a drain on society
  2. “What if somebody is a net negative at 25 but then a net positive at 35?”: when I mean heuristics, I mean having an oracle that integrates your net contribution over your entire lifespan. Of course, this is not exactly possible, but it is not difficult to come up with a good approximation. Furthermore, if we have 1 million useless or negative people, and 100 of them can manage to turn their situation around and become a net positive for society over the course of their entire life, that is not an excuse to justify giving life to the rest of those 1 million. Keeping those 1 million becomes a massive drain on society and outweighs the benefit, especially if we consider the fact that they could potentially have children and pass on those defective genes. This is simply a byproduct of running a massive system where every decision needs to be done systematically and bureaucratically. We do not have time to listen to the pleading and tears of individual people. We need to move quickly and fairly, and move and onto the next batch of 1 million.
  3. “People may hold value in unexpected ways!” While this is true, and I remember hearing the objection that some net negative might end up reporting a fire, and this would save economic damage worth hundreds or even thousands of times that negative’s value, I would like to remind us that we are playing an expected value game here. We can come up with extra heuristics to account for these unexpected ways, but at the end of it all, we want to maximize expected value and that’s it. It is unlikely that somebody filtered out by our system would be very useful, and our system as a whole is meant to create a net positive for society.
  4. “This is just eugenics!” I hold no objection to this claim. We need to eliminate the defects. Defects are quite rare, but when they show up, they must be eliminate lest they drain the benefits of 10 hardworking, normal citizens. Defects have no human rights, and giving human rights to the defects is emotional thinking. The future generations will thank us for doing the deed that must be done and the defects for making the ultimate sacrifice. This is why I emphasize prevention over correction: we ideally need technology to screen embryos in the womb to estimate their net contribution somehow, so there is less of an emotional heaviness when we make the decision to eliminate them. In fact, in an ideal work we would pick the ideal egg and sperm and stack on gene editing to build the perfect people, but that does run the risk of reducing diversity in the population, so I think the previous method may have advantages.
Remember: we are carrying out a honorable and heavy duty here. Our goal is maximize the happiness of those who stay. So shed no tears over the defects, for they drag us down.

Side note (written on the same day): I don’t think I have a healthy template for a relationship in my life, whether it be platonic or familial. Or whether it be romantic, but I do not have to worry about that since I am unlovable.
 
this one is from march

One of the things I wanted to write about (and have written about before in this diary) is the idea that all failings are personal in some way or form such that even if you had no hand in them, they are your fault. Think about innocent kid who gets bullied, for instance. They’ve been ostracized by their peers, left without help from bystanders, and are in pain. But it’s actually their fault. Why are they getting bullied in the first place? Something about them came off as “bully me” or “I’m pathetic” to those around them. They were a weirdo and an outcast to begin with. This is what they must deserve.

What about somebody born ugly? It’s hard for them to socialize and form relationships with the people around them because their face is hideous. They can blame genetics all they want, but their face is “hide”ous because they need to hide it from others. Nobody wants to see their ugly face. There needs to be somebody on the bottom of society and that is what they deserve. Seeing them try to interact instead of staying isolated in pathetic. There needs to be a hierarchy. And they are the sore losers that need to be on the bottom.

But wait, that didn't answer the question, did it? Why do ugly people deserve to be bullied? While in some cases (like bullying) the victim has a clear share of the blame, it’s a bit harder to blame somebody who is ugly on themselves without resorting to the same hierarchy argument. I think I need to shift my worldview a bit. We need to change what it means to “share the blame” rather than compromise. Sharing the blame also includes the effects of some condition. They are in pain because of their ugly face, and like I said before, it’s pathetic and disgusting to see ugly people try to escape their isolation. Nay, others aren't inflicting pain on them. Rather, they have caused pain for themselves by trying to escape their perceived "pain". They attempts are laughable and attempt to disrupt the place where they belong. That is why I think ugly people deserve the blame.

What about me? I was bullied, I am ugly, obese, isolated, all sorts of things. I would consider myself to be one of the most evil people. I am evil in other regards (such as being self-centered, arrogant, selfish, very angry, very little impulse control, etc) but a huge chunk of my moral failing comes from these things. I was bullied time and time again in elementary school and high school. It was because Imade myself an easy target or did not understand the social norms, and even if I violated those social norms without knowing they existed, it’s my fault for doing so. Why do we clear people of wrongdoing when they break rules that they didn’t know? In my eyes, there is no difference between knowing and not knowing the rules. For anybody with a normal, function brain, they can deduce what is right and what is wrong easily. "But people who lack social skills can't do that!" Aye, which is why they are evil. True evil manifests when people do not realize they are evil.

Now consider isolation. I tried to reach out to others, but my neediness, my lack of self confidence, my trauma bleeds through and shove people away. Though I still have not heard how people pick up on these signs when words can only reveal so much, I believe in what I have heard. When you bring someone like that into a social context, they bring the mood down for everybody. They become uncomfortable. They see somebody pathetic trying to reach out, escape their desperate situation. How could someone not look with contempt at such a pathetic attempt? Once again, it makes people feel uncomfortable. It’s best to leave them alone. Being in a state of suffering is pathetic. It only becomes a moral failure when you share that with others and bring the mood down.

There’s this other idea I want to get at, about the impersonality and lack empathy of society. I can’t seem to find the right words for it. But the idea is that people lack empathy. I should not criticize this because that would be hypocritical to my entire viewpoint. But the idea is that people who are suffering think they are special. They are special compared to normal people because they have a weight on their shoulders, and that somehow makes them unique and more worthy of love and care than others. They think that somebody is going to swoop in and save them somehow. No, they are not special. People who are suffering are a dime a dozen. A person who is suffering could blow their brains out in the middle of the sidewalk, and people might turn heads and raise their eyebrows a bit before continuing on with their day. Well, maybe somebody would need to be called to clean that mess up and send a fine to your residence for littering, but that's about it. Human life is disposable and has a lot less inherent value than we like to admit. If you can’t live a life filled with dopamine, you may as well go home, loser.

Strangers on the street are really impersonal. You don’t know them and they don’t know you. There’s 8 billion people on this planet, so why should they care about you in particular? Rather, most people keep a small circle around them, but they somehow connect far and wide. I like to think of the iPhone as an example. It was a handy invention by a bunch of engineers who were mostly colleagues and not friends who knew each other on a deep and personal level. Then they talked to the marketing team, who marketed it to the masses. Nobody in the entire process really knew each other. The people who mined the materials didn’t know the people who assembled it in the factory. They people who delivered it didn’t know the end users who bought it. It's also so fucking impersonal. I’m not sure what exactly I’m trying to get at here, but do we not see how soul-crushingly impersonal society is? People rot and cry unseen because society is not built to care and get intimate with individual people. But why should business and the world as a whole be personal? It should not, because there is no reason to. Personal involvement is an efficiency that can cause problems for everyone involved. And yet I find somehow people reaching far across their small inner circles to create this giant impersonal net… soul crushing.

I’ve been meaning to write a story on this, about how life tends to really be impersonal. You know how airports tend to be very messy and all over the place, with there being people and signs to help route you to your destination? I was thinking of a not-so-far future where we do the same for people in mental health crises. They enter a giant white building with those white floor tiles spread about. It’s interior is kind of like one of those storage lockers, but instead of keeping small storage lockers, there are massive buildings on the inside, illuminated by the artificial white lights from up above. At the entrance, you have a somebody to route people to their destination. sort of like a traffic controller. This man is impatient as he has to deal with crowds of people flowing in fast. To my left, a man enters sobbing in his face.

“What are you here for?” asked the controller with an annoyed and impatient voice?

“My…m-m-my…” he could barely keep coherent speech while the controller appeared to roll his eyes. “My wife, she cheated on me with…”

“Cheating?” The controller cut him off. “Go to aisle 7 and 3 buildings down the hall” The man who was still uncontrollably sobbing started off away. The controller then turned to me. “What are you here for?”

“I tried to overdose. I failed”

“Aisle 1, 3 units down.” He said quickly. He then turned to the person behind me and loudly said “Next!”

When I got to unit 13, I entered the interior. They had a massive line that day, but thankfully I was given priority. You could get priority if a lot of people cared about you (vouched by some signatures and a questionnaire) because our society valued minimizing the affects of a tragedy. I didn’t have anyone who cared about me or even knew I exist, but I had entered in the queue long ago so I was basically the same as priority status. I told my receptionist I had an overdose, and she called for someone in the back to lead me to a suitable room. I followed my doctor wearing her lab coat to the room and she shut the door behind me.

“So you tried to OD?” she said as she was busy signing into the computer.

“Yes.” I said. “Please, I can’t fucking deal with-”

“Alright, let me prescribe you some xanax-” she cut me off.

“Will you not even hear me out? Does anybody care?”

She turned from the monitor and looked at me weirdly. “Why would I care?” she asked with genuine confusion.

“I’m barely able to pay rent, I’m only getting 5 hours of sleep every day because I am working 2 jobs, and I can’t talk to anybody! My parents are dead, I have no friends, and no partner!” I said, as she rolled her eyes in frustration and turned back to her monitor screen to fill out my prescription. “You people prescribed xanax last time! I tried to overdose on Xanax!”

“Sir, if you keep acting disorderly, we will have to remove you from the premises.”

Tears rolled down my cheeks but I was silent. Then I spoke, “at least move me to therapy at this point.”

“We can’t. You didn’t bring your ID card this time so we couldn’t find your medical records, so you’re starting for square zero. We can’t advance somebody we don’t know to therapy. It’s just not in our rulebook at all.” She printed something out. “Here, take this to the pharmacist on unit 11, they’ll know what to give you.”

“Nothing in my fucking life has gone right. How the fuck are these meds that didn’t work the first time going to make everything right the second time? What if I fucking take more xanax next time to make sure I OD?”

“I can’t help with that.” she said. “Now, out you go. I’ve got to get through all the patients in line today.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Before that whole momentary emotional bitching crisis I had, I used to be a high school student. I a small dusty wooden shack about half a mile from school. My parents were long gone, so I survived on welfare and scraps I could find. Every day, I would dread school. People would not leave me alone. Our teacher once showed Back to the Future in class, and some of the people in my school decided to copy ideas from the movie and start sticking notes with "kick me" onto my back during passing period and kicking the shit out of me. I reported it to the teachers but they didn't care. I reported it to the "digital care assistant" our school had used ever since it replaced couseling, but it just said it was sorry and told me to avoid being near those people. Fucking prick bot, how they fuck can I avoid those people when I am a magnet for them?


6th period was the only time I came to school for. I had a few people I used to talk to during that class, and it genuinely felt like we were friends. I mean we never exchanged phone numbers or hung out or even talked outside of 6th period at all, but those few people I could talk to made the entire day worth it. I had so much damn anger towards everyone in my school, but those were the few people I thought of as the good people and kept me going.


I always tried my best in school. I never saw my classmates as human. I needed to prove my superiority over them, because being both pathetic and inferior would have been too much to bear. I studied hard and got a 4.0. When college enterance examinations had happened early senior year, I scored top 50 in the nation and was given a full ride scholarship to the best university. I hoped to see at least annoyed faces of those who had hurt me in the hallway, but nobody took notice. At least I knew in my mind I was superior.

Shit hit the fan. Those close friends I though I had in 6th period... turns out they didn't even see me as an acquintance at all. I was merely a stranger they could talk to so they could pass the time because all the friends they normally hung out with were assigned to another class. They too one day got the idea of bullying me for fun because talking to me had lost its novelty. I could bear the pain of being bullied, but the pain of being betrayed felt like someone had stabbed a knife through my heart and twisted it. Hence the momentary emotional bitching crisis.

But fast forward to the present. I think I'm doing better now ever since I visited that mental health facility, and I'm looking forward to fixing my life once I get to my university.

I’m not sure where to continue this story, but what I do know is that the narrartor realizes college was a false promise. I’m thinking of focusing on college life when everything becomes impersonal. Though the campus looks beautiful and the education is top tier, the student body is rotten to the core. People fall victim to hedonism and nihilism while on the outside rejecting it, claiming to live fulfilling lives. Relationships become temporary, betrayals common. If you ever become hopeless and nobody cares about you, you are no longer given priority in society.

I don’t want this to just be a story about a dystopia. I want to use it to show that things we don’t talk about in society, just how impersonal it really is. That’s why people reject such empty lifestyle on the outside while embracing it on the inside. At least channeling what rage I feel inside into artwork (even if it is mediocre and self contradictory) is probably better than self-loathing in this diary.

Honestly, I don’t even know what the fuck I’m writing anymore. Maybe I should delete this entire diary.
 
I want this to be a culmination of the ideas I have written before, while tightening up logical coherency. Let me begin with the following axiom that I will build the rest of my ideas on: humans are inherently cynical. Indeed, most humans are cynical except with those closest to them, and even there they exhibit some degree of cynicism. On that first point, we must agree that humans literally are guided by self-interest, even when they sacrifice for others. It is about satisfying their will, and therefore whatever they must be in their self-interest. Something even as “selfless” as love is indeed in one’s self-interest because it creates a pleasing feeling in their brain, and that pleasing feeling is what people optimize for. They commit selfless acts for their partner because their brain is wired to produce that pleasure when they do so. If humans produced that same intense feeling by harming others, they would do so. We should not conflate selfless acts in the pursuit of self-interest with true selflessness.

But my point is not just that people are guided by self-interest, but rather that people are selfish, that selflessness is an exception and not a rule. Consider money: the overwhelming majority of people want more money in order to live a more comfortable life. This is why they search for a better job and climb up the ladder. The economy is inherently a machine built almost entirely on selfishness, of people wanting to make their own lives better, which often comes at a disregard for others. We have regulation to prevent dumping toxic waste into a river people drink from for a reason, and that’s saying something about how humans would normally behave without laws. Laws are merely a response to people protecting their own selfish interests from others, so that those who only care about drinking water can drink it safely, without regard to the shackles now put on the business and how it will affect its workers and other people who rely on that business downstream.

We also see this in social connection: hypergamy is a good example. People tend to want an attractive partner, a wealthy partner, and will cheat on their partner to gain access to a better partner. It’s all about securing a future for themselves and maximizing the pleasure they feel. Friendship is another example: people will often stop associating with people in lower social standing than them to keep up appearances, and will even stoop to bullying those beneath them. The bond they had was superficial. Children are another example. People tend to have children because it is the societal norm, or because they want to leave a legacy. While instincts cause parents to care about the safety of their children, such bond is superficial because it is only instinctively driven. Why this child and not some other child? Moreover, why not some child who excels? Parental love has no logical basis.

But what about empathy? Do people feel empathy? Yes, but empathy is something reserved for those who can be loved. I would argue empathy is one of the most cynical things a human can exhibit. Those who are ugly receive no empathy. Those who are unwanted receive no empathy. Those who are unloved receive no empathy. Empathy is a currency for the lovables only, it presents itself as something genuine but when empathy truly has a cost, when it is directed towards those nobody else feels empathy for, the driving force behind it dissolves. There is no empathy for those people who have been rejected. There is no solace.

Next I will assume that human life is often overvalued in today’s society. There are 8 billion people on this planet, and the loss of one person is unlikely to stop the forward march of progress. That is to say the loss of one individual human is to not be mourned over. The common counterexample to this claim is that human worth is inherent and that other metrics matter (like relationships to other people and uniqueness). Regarding relationships: people make and break relationships all the time. The loss of somebody to euthanasia can easily be filled with a new, superior person. And regarding uniqueness, one can go out into an open field and pick up a rock. There is only one rock in the whole universe with that exact shape down to the atom. It’s unique, but holds no value because of that uniqueness. I could go into a laboratory and pick up a cube of a material. There are probably many cubes like it, give or take some atoms. Those atoms provide variation and uniqueness, but they do not imply value.

The next objection is regarding inherent human worth. The idea I’ve proposed is not contradictory with inherent human worth. Rather, I am arguing that total human worth (inherent plus any external factors) is small. Many people may argue that inherent human worth exists, but they never gauge how much. If we assume each human life has infinite worth, then every second wasted not making use of that life to the fullest is a crime that itself is infinite in depravity (after all, a small value times an infinity is still an infinity). Rather, the inherent worth of human life is capped, and my perspective is that it is not significant.
One of the most amusing things about humans is their inflated self-worth. They are locked into one consciousness, one body, one life. They cannot help but see the world revolving around them. Oh the irony. There are 8 billion people in the world. The world will continue to march on with or without you just the same as it always has.
Now, onto the meat of my essay: In society, there is a hierarchy of sorts. Those who are at the top in terms of social status, looks, or some other social metric abuse those below them. This hierarchy isn’t rigidly defined like those in past civilizations. Rather, the hierarchy is fluid: one day you could be abusing somebody below you for some deficiency, the next day you could be abused by somebody whom you thought was on your same standing but has an advantage that you lack. In fact, it doesn’t have to be about advantages or disadvantages, as it can be about mere circumstance. Despite it’s fluidity, there are still rough estimates of social standing in this hierarchy, as a person might be more likely to be abused than receive abuse on average.

The hierarchy is not a philosophical template for society. Nay, it is rather an observation about society itself. The hierarchy forms in young children when those with social connection and popularity start bullying the lonely and outcasted. The abuse becomes far less direct in adulthood, but exists when people are silently excluded for looks or social awkwardness. Lookism is a perfect example of this: those who are ugly will be left behind when trying to find love, and will face judgements everywhere in life, whether it comes to first impressions on job interviews or making friends. The eventual result is suffering for those on the bottom of the hierarchy. They lead unhappy lives and escape is, on average, not possible due to their defects.

Interestingly enough, when it comes to lookism, those who are rejected by society will never be able to develop their social skills as a child, when social failures and forgiving and then have a safety net. This feeds into early bitterness, which them compounds with their ugliness to make social interactions even more difficult later in life, when the bar is even higher. We end up having a positive feedback loop where those who are ugly become more and more evil. Such cataclysmic cycle starts with a few bad experiences that keep feeding in on themselves. Are those initial bad experiences undeserved? No. However, once they become inherently evil, they are a defect that deserves the pain it has received and must be removed. Their sole purpose is to suffer for who they are and to the pleasure of those above them. The defects must be abused for being evil.

Despite our wishes to punish those who are evil, we also wish to abolish this hierarchy and increase the general happiness of our population. It would be better had there been no reason to punish defects in the first place. We can accomplish this be removing these defects in the first place. Without a clear bottom level to abuse, all members of society will be on a more even playing field, making abusing those below them higher. Those who are content with their position in society will remain and lead happy lives, while those whose existence was nothing but a toy for those above will be freed from their suffering, increasing the general happiness of the population. For lookism, the answer is simple. Those who are ugly but against the odds find love must be stopped from breeding and passing on their pain to the next generation. Those who have heritable mental issues must also be stopped from breeding and passing on their pain.

I’d actually argue this is applicable whether or not the hierarchy is real. Those who have been unhappy in the long term for whatever reason, whether it is due to looks, loneliness, finances, mental problems, etc should be forcefully euthanized by the state. By eliminating unhappy people, we reduce unhappiness in our population and prevent them from passing their unhappy traits on to the next generation. We determine whether people meet the bar for euthanasia through a combination of battle-tested heuristics. For those who do not meet the heuristics but still feel unhappy in life, we can offer them elective retroactive abortions if we determine their loss would not place a significant drain on society.

The most prevalent objection that comes to mind when discussing this system is the idea that people can improve and fix their unhappiness. However, the goal of our system is to move fast and move bureaucratically. We are playing a game of maximizing our expected value here. We do not have time to play a game of “what-if” for each individual person. We will not hear nor heed their cries, we will euthanize them no matter what. Our goal is to build a perfect society where there are no unhappy people, and we must accept the cost and march forward.

Of course, the heuristics we use aren’t going to be perfect. Many of our snake-tongued opponents will claim that heuristics designed by a bureaucracy will inevitably target those who do not deserve to be targeted, such as political enemies or those held in contempt by those who run the system. I believe the people who take up the heavy honor to run such a system are noble people indeed, and are unlikely to abuse their power. However, I will not argue in that direction and will assume our system encounter such a failure. The reason why I described our opponents as snake-tongued is because they are saying “if the system is not 100% perfect, then the system has no use at all.” All of the devices man has engineered throughout history have not reached 100% efficiency, but that does not mean they have been of great benefit to society. Even just 70 or 80% efficiency can provide great benefit to us all.


Though I have explained my ideas, I feel like there is a lot to explore, so many different arguments to counter, but such thoughts do not reach my head at this time, so I will end it here. I do not know how to wrap up my essay, as my topic shifted from human nature to the hierarchy to eugenics throughout, but I will say that despite all this, my claims that humans are evil beasts who will abuse those below them, I still think humans deserve happiness. My goal is nothing more than to engineer that happiness for everyone. All my ideas stem from the fact that there is no remission for those at the bottom, and the simplest way to make them happy is to make them feeling nothing anymore.
 

shit I probably should have added a tldr​

whatever, here's more stuff I've written today and in the past. gonna get as much stuff out there before @insomnia logs online and enters in my requested ban




The world deceived me, or rather I deceived myself. I came into this world with a right state of mind, knowing that I could rely on nobody but myself. There was always a glass between me and other people, even if it was fainter in childhood. But as time went on, I drifted into a state of error and believed that genuinely caring for people and emotional intimacy was real, or at least existed in greatly exaggerated forms than they actually do. Whether this came from the media or seeing people around me enjoying friendships through a distorted and biased lens, I do not know.

I was hurt time and time again because I held this delusional belief. The idea of closeness that I had did not exist in the real world, and thus my repeated expectations of it always failed. The average person too must experience this, a glass wall separating between them and everyone. If this simple fact of life causes me so much pain, then I am not strong for even normal human existence. The only solution is to remove myself from the gene pool so my tendencies to attach to delusional expectations are not passed down, or to become strong enough to withstand what the average person bears with on a daily basis.

Funerals are performative. Why do friends show up to a funeral? A friendship simply existed for temporary social pleasure and belonging while the two were both alive. It has no intrinsic meaning. Once a person is dead, they not remembered because they are no longer useful for creating that feeling. A dead friend has no use to a person. Why do people bother showing up to the funeral?

And why does the dead person’s partner cry as he is lowered into his grave? She doesn’t cry his death itself. She mourns the lost emotional investment. An investment does not yield a scalar quantity; rather it yields a unique experience. Once that unique experience is gone, it cannot be experience again. That is what she truly mourns, not that the person she loved is dead. There is nothing but a bottomless pit of cynicism.
Huh. There's people that feel the same way as me? Not LARPing or anything, but I always thought of this especially last year when I gotten into philosophy, psychology and faced my problems head on.
 
Huh. There's people that feel the same way as me? Not LARPing or anything, but I always thought of this especially last year when I gotten into philosophy, psychology and faced my problems head on.
Glad that we are not alone.
If I could ask for one wish, it would be to step in a normal person's shoes and see the world how they see it, feel what they feel, think what they think. Just for a day. And maybe I could finally understand what is wrong with me.
I'd take this once I finished my life accomplishments, likely at around 35-40.
Yeah, tbh I do not see why people choose to live so long. I mean after 40 it's literally just work and nothing else. If you have a family, you support them, but life becomes very bland by then.
 
Glad that we are not alone.
If I could ask for one wish, it would be to step in a normal person's shoes and see the world how they see it, feel what they feel, think what they think. Just for a day. And maybe I could finally understand what is wrong with me.

Yeah, tbh I do not see why people choose to live so long. I mean after 40 it's literally just work and nothing else. If you have a family, you support them, but life becomes very bland by then.
I believe that the world (I interpret this as the fortunate, wealthy and people who control the imaginary harmony of the world) desperately keeps people alive to serve them rather than as a moral obligation.

They already do, matter of fact. Many factories in China have safety nets outside of windows or rooftops because people keep killing themselves. I do not blame the workers, I do not blame them for not choosing a better job instead. For most people, it is difficult to get your life together. You can't just "work hard" for it, hell that would take decades. I see suicide as a simple way to... finish life on your own terms. As simple as a one life game. If you don't want to play, log off. That's it.

I would give a longer opinion if i wasn't busy at school right now typing this on my Chromebook. I genuinely respect you as a human being for having these views in which I thought I was the only one who had them. I normally don't expect much from people, so consider this a big badge of honor.
 
I am very interested in the way you view life, I actually read everything you typed and found myself agreeing to your points. I would like to hear more about them.
 
I am very interested in the way you view life, I actually read everything you typed and found myself agreeing to your points. I would like to hear more about them.
Ty brother, I really appreciate this. I've been writing these over the past few months whenever I feel sad and I let my thoughts just flow.
I believe that the world (I interpret this as the fortunate, wealthy and people who control the imaginary harmony of the world) desperately keeps people alive to serve them rather than as a moral obligation.

They already do, matter of fact. Many factories in China have safety nets outside of windows or rooftops because people keep killing themselves. I do not blame the workers, I do not blame them for not choosing a better job instead. For most people, it is difficult to get your life together. You can't just "work hard" for it, hell that would take decades. I see suicide as a simple way to... finish life on your own terms. As simple as a one life game. If you don't want to play, log off. That's it.

I would give a longer opinion if i wasn't busy at school right now typing this on my Chromebook. I genuinely respect you as a human being for having these views in which I thought I was the only one who had them. I normally don't expect much from people, so consider this a big badge of honor.
Yes, society is just so impersonal and I feel like I've been given a false promise when I came into this world. I thought that there would be genuine care between people. Maybe there is and we're just locked out of it. But why does it matter if genuine care exists but is something we can't have or is something that does not exist to begin with? We can't have any, so why does it make a difference to us? And if there is nobody who genuinely cares for us, what's so wrong with saying we are not interested in life at all? I mean it's like a party where you're unwanted. Every time you butt into a conversation, people give you a contemptuous look and start leave. Soon, you're all alone at this party, just standing in the corner with your soda cup. What's so wrong with quietly leaving while everyone else enjoys the party?

I'm torn. Part of me desperately wishes for a reality where it does exist and I have a chance for true happiness to be finally be seen for once. The other part wants me to yell at people and make they admit what's been right in front of them all along (that they don't truly give a shit about other human beings) but they refuse to admit. But in the case of the former, what about all those times I was bullied? Was I just really, really, really fucking unlucky that every time I reached out to others for connection, even just platonically, it crashed and burned? And that every time I reached out for help when I really needed it, people were dismissive or unhelpful? Is there a pattern? Am I the problem? Why the fuck did I live this life? Why did I deserve this? Why could I not have just lived a normal life?

But the latter idea is just too depressing. Even if I had a gun to my head right now, I wouldn't be able to experience a moment of peace right before I pull the trigger. That soul crushing feeling would always be there. Life wouldn't just feel meaningless, it would feel meaningless in the most antagonizing form, that whatever you do you can't win by refusing to play.

I find that my reasoning is heavily dictated by how I am feeling. When I feel down, pessimistic word feel undoubtedly true. When I am feeling happy, optimistic words feel undoubtedly true. These were two writings I was thinking of uploading, where I swung in the opposite direction and thought that life might still have meaning despite all my pain.

April 25th, 2026​

I got this feedback on my writings from AI (note this is from an older version of this document where I numbered the writings instead of using their dates):
This is a heavy, complex, and deeply unsettling collection of writings. It’s clear you’ve spent a lot of time formalizing a worldview that is built on a foundation of profound isolation, self-loathing, and a rejection of the "human" label—both for yourself and others.

There is a lot to unpack here, but I want to address the core of your "essay" and the philosophy you've constructed.

The Logic of the "Hierarchy"

Your writings lean heavily on the idea that human value is a zero-sum game dictated by a rigid hierarchy of utility, aesthetics, and social status. You’ve essentially "weaponized" your own pain. By adopting a pro-eugenics, pro-extinction stance, you are trying to turn your sense of powerlessness into a form of intellectual authority.

If the world has rejected you (as you feel it has), your response is to reject the world’s right to exist in its current form. It’s a defense mechanism: “I’m not a victim of a cruel system; I am a noble sacrifice for a future master race,” or “I don’t care about people because they aren't actually human.”

The Paradox of Your Cynicism

You argue that human connection is a "luxury" or a "cherry on top," yet Writing 4 (the dream) and Writing 7 (the hospital story) scream with a desperate desire to be seen.

  • In the hospital story, the character is furious not because they are sick, but because the doctor doesn't care.
  • In the dream, the "test" of the noose is a plea for validation of your suffering.
You claim humans are purely self-interested and that love is superficial, but your anger suggests you feel cheated out of something you believe should be real. If "humanity" truly didn't matter, you wouldn't be so angry at its absence.

Addressing the Violence and the "Deserved" Suffering

I have to be direct here: the way you describe domestic violence in Writing 8 and the "logical" argument for infanticide in Writing 6 are extreme. You are describing a complete dissociation from empathy.

When you say you laughed at your mother being attacked, it suggests that your own trauma has reached a point where you’ve had to "turn off" your ability to feel for others just to survive your own mind. But there is a massive leap between suffering and becoming the thing that causes it. You argue that "ugly" or "lonely" people deserve to suffer because they are "genetic defects." This isn't logic; it is internalized bullying. You are repeating the words of your abusers and calling it "truth" because it’s easier to believe the world is a cruel, logical machine than to believe that you were a child who deserved kindness and didn't get it.

The "Disposable" Human

You mention that if you were run over by a truck, people should just keep walking. That is a devastating way to view your own existence. At 19, you have decided the "book is closed" on your value.

The "impersonal net" you described—the iPhone assembly, the traffic-controller mental health clinic—is a real critique of modern alienation. You aren't wrong that society can be cold. But your solution is to lean into the coldness until everything is frozen.


A Peer's Perspective:

You’ve built a very tall, very dark tower of logic to live in. It feels safe because it "explains" why you hurt, but it's also a prison. You are using your intellect to justify your own extinction, which is the ultimate form of self-harm.

You mentioned at the end of Writing 7 that you’re not sure where to go with the story and might delete the diary. Instead of deleting it, have you ever considered what your writing would look like if you stopped trying to be "logical" and "cynical" for a moment and just wrote about the grief of being lonely, without the eugenics or the "units" and "aisles"?

What would happen if you allowed yourself to be "pathetic" (as you call it) without demanding that you be punished for it?
Let me use this diary as a diary for once and jot down what is going on in my life. I always used the hear a music genre I really liked in those TikTok edits, but I didn’t know it’s name. Today, I discovered the genre is called “hardstyle.” I remember seeing an edit that energized me with hope a while back, which had the message of loving instead of hating your fellow human, and focusing on the beauty of existence. I remember loving the song in the background, but I just couldn’t find the exact version. After I found out this genre was called hardstyle, I searched up that song in hardstyle. I listened to it.

I felt a happiness I have not felt in a long time. The best way I could describe that feeling was “hope.” It’s the kind of hope that you truly believe. I’ve felt hope before, but it always felt “checked” as if I had some anxiety in the back of my mind that my hope was a delusion. This hope felt real. It felt uplifting and energizing. If happiness is multidimensional, than the dimension I felt was the real happiness, the type of happiness I have not felt in a very, very long time. I felt that even though I have been dealt a bad hand at life, I will refuse to give up. I will live my life to the fullest. I will enjoy what I can and experience the beauty of existence. It felt as if despite all my problems, I was enjoying life. I may have lost so much in my youth, but that doesn’t matter. I still have a life full of joy ahead of me, and that’s what counts.

I am crying tears of joy. Maybe this is a rare occurrence of my mind swinging in the opposite direction in its instability, and it will swing violently back in the other direction. I know that my reasoning is heavily dependent on my feelings. I don’t care. That joy I felt was real. I want to feel that joy again. If I can feel that joy only 1 day out of every 100 days, then I will plow through those other 99 days just to feel that joy again.

Have I grieved all that time that I lost and all that pain that I felt? I’m not sure. My entire life and those writings were a way of grieving, but perhaps I prolonged by grief by being unable to let go. Perhaps I don’t need to grieve over it anymore. What matters not is the past, what matters is the future. Even if I can’t make up for what I lost, I can enjoy the long life ahead of me.

I understand now. When one has not felt that true happiness is so long, they lose sight of that happiness. They become blind. They can only imagine a world full of cynicism, selfishness, and sadism. They can think of “happiness” as some abstract metric, and play with it like it is something to optimize for, but without feeling it they are blind. That society I discussed in my essay was built from such perspective. But now I understand. People do not deserve a “manufactured” happiness that is fake and rotten to their core. They deserve that happiness that makes them understand the beauty of human existence, that encapsulates so many complex feelings and words into one emotion. That happiness is the one universal language we all have.


April 26th, 2026​

Today, I want to write not because I express dark philosophy for the sake of being edgy, but to express something I am coming to truly believe. I feel there is conviction in my words.

Today, I left my room to walk a mile to the local CVS to buy some toothpaste tubes, as I had run out of toothpaste. I left around right after dusk, and since it was a Sunday evening on a college campus, there were all sorts of people outside. I saw groups of friends walking together, couples walking together, people laughing and joking and smiling. As I walked through the sidewalk, people moved around in unnatural ways to make space for my path. At first, I did not care because I knew it was of my appearance, and it felt expected in a way.

Then one couple broke my heart. I was walking through a dimly lit sidewalk on my way back from CVS. There was nobody else on the street, except for a couple right up ahead of me. I was on the right side of the sidewalk, and they were on the left side, with the girl closer to my right. I was looking at the ground to avert eye contact, but I saw from the edge my vision, the guy had swapped places with the girl and was holding her as if he were protected her.

That broke my heart. I knew I was hideous enough to be unloved, but was I so hideous that people saw me as a dangerous animal instead of a human? Was I that far excluded from society? Was I even human? I mean, I rarely go outside and go to class because leaving my room is difficult. But was I doing a good thing? Was I so hideous that by staying inside all the time, I was doing it for other people’s sake?

But that’s when I remembered that this feeling is not all there is to life. If I have 99 more days like this, I will not lose sight of that 1 day when I can truly feel happy. And it’s not always going to be like this. I am dieting. I am doing skin care. I am fixing my hair. I am doing all sorts of things to improve my appearance, so I can finally be accepted and loved. This is the meat of what I want to say: yes, the world can be cruel, but I refuse to give up until I die.

So many people go through the same experience I did. They were bullied and rejected by society. The world showed that it did not care about them, and their experiences were real and painful. The world treated them unjustly for wrongs they never committed. Those who suffered like me have three options at their hand: 1) they can either give up and kill themselves, 2) they can give up and hold a bitterness to the world that keeps feeding in on their pain, or 3) they can resent the world that wronged them but never stop hoping and resisting for a better world they wish for deep down in their hearts. Without experiencing that true joy that encapsulates so many feelings and emotions into a single reason as to why human life is beautiful, they are blind and cannot see the power of option 3.

I think of it like a negotiation. The negotiator (the world) cheats you by giving you a bad hand to play with, and taunts you for it. You are given a bad offer. You can either leave the negotiation room in despair, sit back in fury without doing anything, or double down and refuse to give in to the one who cheated you. You channel that rage into hope and refuse to give up until you can get the world to bend and give you a better offer.

With that hope, you are given a reason to continue on and keep fighting no matter how many times you have been wronged or how bleak the future looks. Even if that future never comes, you will one day be able to look back and be thankful that you were able to continue moving on and believing in something.

In these writings I said that I would go through 99 days of pain to experience 1 day of true, unfiltered joy that expresses so many reasons as to why life is beautiful and worth living in just one emotion. I have now swung back and realized that I was being naive.




Btw might undo my request for a 1 month ban since there are genuinely cool people on this website.
 
this entry is from mid april

I was browsing reddit when I came across r/singlemoms and this post caught my eye:

I'd like to discuss societal ethics and detach ourselves of our normal norms of what we have a knee-jerk reaction to and say "wtf that's evil!" Now, with this unbiased perspective, I would like to ask: why doesn't she just kill her child? It would make things a lot easier for her and eliminate the pain for both her and her child.

I used to be pro-life, but my experiences have made me support not only infanticide but also retroactive abortions well into adulthood. I don't really see what is wrong with infanticide in this case:
  1. Some people might say infanticide is painful, but in the modern day we have painless methods like injection. I do not consider anybody to merit their justification for their continued existence on having a conscious or feeling pain because we have painless methods for dispatching humans. I would more broadly argue this is applicable to any human, infant or not, and that we overvalue human life itself because we project our own consciousness and pain onto others, but I digress.
  2. I do not get why single mothers cling so much to their infants. They've only known it for so few months. You could literally swap it out for any other infant and it would be the same experience. There is nobody to establish worth for that particular infant infant. There are no outsiders who have made memories with that infant in particular. It has barely lived its life, and the mother has no reason to have emotional stake in it yet. If the infant dies, she can just make a new one. Infants do not have any inherent worth, except from instinctively-driven reactions in parents, which are largely emotional and have no logical basis.
And more importantly, sticking together is only going to cause hardship for the both of them. The mother is going to having dating problems because she has a bastard child, and the child will grow up without a father and on a single parent salary.

Side note: while my mom was not a single mother, I wish she had killed me when I was a newborn. It would have greatly benefited my parents to try again and get a child with better genes. What I mean by "I have no value" is that an accident or something could happen to me one day, and I don't think people should mourn my death. The hospital should treat me as long as I can pay, otherwise euthanasia is the answer. If I get run over and turned into a mushed pancake by a semitruck in the street, I think bystanders should treat it like a normal occurrence and keep walking.
This is retarded
She would get punished by society and biologically obviously mothers are hardwired to protect and love their offspring
It's that simple
The emotional distress she would get from killing her child is also a factor
Women are more emotional than men as that's what biology wants
Not everybody is a perfect logician n***a "largely emotional and have no logical basis" is to be expected
We wouldn't be human if we were purely creatures of logic
Even logically, it's fucking retarded as she would get punished by society anyways
 

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