my life has gone in the trash al because of me. i have no real friends cause i left my good ones trying to be "normal" and now i see them everywhere hanging out while im stuck in my room all day alone. i try to convince myself i can be friends with them again but i know it wont happen. i cant talk to people as is let alone people ive messed up relations with. today i looked at snapchat for the first time in months and saw they posted stories today and looked at them. they were at a local fair that runs this time of year every year that we went to last year. i saw it and just couldnt stop myself from crying just a little. i realized how bad its gotten after i had drowned everything out with weed. i try to impress everyone around me harder than ever. i play out fake scenarios in my head of people laughing at me for my looks even though i dont look terrible. its been too much for me to handle recently and ive seriously considered roping even wrote notes. please help as i dont want to mentally injure those around me like my parents, siblings, or even my old friends who might feel they're the cause even though its my fault.
it doesn’t sound like you’re living for yourself. everything that you have described is looking at yourself from a third person perspective and imagining how other people would feel about you. I think you have two options here, you could continue feeding into false presumptions and letting that little voice in your head win, or you could become invincible.
To understand how you could become indestructible, you must first understand what makes you destructible. Leaving aside basic biological vulnerabilities, the way that people are emotionally or psychologically destructible is that they inappropriately identify with external reality.
Let me back up, my definition of identity is what is leftover after everything that can be taken from you is taken from you. This is because at a certain point it is inevitable that you will lose everything. And yet if you continue to exist after the taking, then clearly what was lost wasn’t you. It wasn’t who you are but something that you have. Most things in life fall under that category. It is things that you have instead of who you are. Some of these things are very obvious like your job or relationships (family included) or your bank account. But it can also be something more intangible like physical attractiveness or your intelligence. Both can and will be taken from you with time. The list goes on and on.
So what’s the problem? The problem is that many people identify with these things. Confusing something that they have for something that they are. It’s seen in countless repeating examples in today’s society, most people’s core identity statements are along these lines:
I am my status
I am my relationships
I am my money
I am my beauty
and not a single one of these statements is true.
living in falsity makes you destructible. this is a crack in a seemingly iron fortress. if anyone attacks or threatens these things you will perceive this, psychologically as attacks or threats on yourself. and you will react in ineffective ways to commensurate with that interpretation.
so what you can do is DE-IDENTIFY with those false unconscious assumptions. you can observe your reactions to see if you’re making progress.
from what I’m gathering you are fixated on other people’s perspectives. you need to set aside time to really get to know yourself. you can’t rely on external validation to get through life. and trust me, I get it. It’s hard feeling like you can’t trust people who are supposed to be your friends. It’s hard feeling like an outcast. It’s hard trying to live up to everyone’s expectations. But you don’t have to. you still have your whole life to catch up. learning who you are takes so much time. and we will all end up in the ground sooner or later. I think there isnt much meaning to life, and it’s all about how you make it. you can’t control some of these circumstances but you can control how you react to it.
I see you, I understand you, and im here for you. If you need someone to talk to shoot me a message. It’s not worth making a permanent decision to a temporary situation. You are not alone, and you are loved stranger.
I wish you the best
