me and my girl been tg twice in the last year and a half. she cheated on me wit a woman at a party the first time and didn't break up with her old online bf and lied to everyone about it (me, her friends, etc). so i left her after that.
about 8 or so months after that we got back tg and it was chill until i noticed the following.
we're both young so we still live with our parents and we aren't able to see each other that much. like once every 1.5 months typically. she's very unavailable and is just a horrible communicator online. we never call because she's too tired from college or work, rarely hang out because of the reasons listed above, and her texting is terrible and inconsistent. i've talked to her about all of this multiple times and nothing has come of it.
she can't really change any of that because she's just busy.
because of what happened the first time around i constantly worried about her cheating on me again. only in the past day has that fear went away.
the reason i don't worry anymore is because i just feel nothing now. i don't feel love towards her like i used to, i just feel possessive. i don't want her to get with someone else, but at the same time i've grown to hate her and now i want to leave but i'm attached.
you guys will call me a cuck for staying with her but it made sense with me in my mind at the time.
the last time we met up i felt physically sick around her for the first half hour. i get frequent bouts of hatred towards her and how she acts.
part of what's keeping me stuck is that we broke up before it could get intimate since it'd be both our firsts. i've never experienced that with her so i'm always wondering if we got closer like that then things would change between us and we would get better.
now it almost feels like if she cheats again i can be free and leave without any what ifs.
i don't love my girlfriend. i just have this weird attachment to her. how do i stop it and move on with my life?