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- Oct 10, 2025
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Rebdoomark
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Read it if you want or if you care
After spending so much time making that fuckass video and finishing it I realized I have nothing else to do now.
No, not only now, in my life. I don’t know what to do with it.
I know what I have to do; I have to study, I have to prepare for my life as an adult.
But I simply don’t know what to do with my life, or I don’t want to do anything; or I don’t want to do what I have to, or I simply don’t want to live anymore. This thoughts have been consistent since the last year, not worsening nor improving, they are just there. Even tho, there’s days where I feel worse, and there’s days I feel horrible, i realized that there aren’t days where I feel happy since the holidays of last year. There’s something lacking in my heart that can’t be filled with vanity or material things.
What do I think this is?
The obvious answer is God.
The other answer, ignoring God as a solution and the “human” reply for this question would be that I feel lonely, and in fact, I am. My brother and sister left early in my younger days, I’d say when I was 14-15. I moved to someone else’s house for my own good, but I do not feel loved im that family and I don’t feel part of it. The family is functional, they are christian and the father is a shepherd/pastor.
they do not know about this feeling nor that I have been depressed even after joining their lives, and I do not feel comprehended by them. They know I have battles but they can’t possibly know what goes through my head, that’s because they do not bother asking. If they ever asked me I’d have spilled the beans a long time ago but they are either shy or they think I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t think it’s because they don’t care but it kinda looks like it sometimes.
The truth is that there’s a lot of things wrong with me, and I have so many scars that never healed and nobody knows about. I have gatekept this problems to myself because it’s hard or awkward to talk about it even in a interpersonal level, but they are constantly orbiting my mind.
The brothers and sisters im my church often notice that there’s something off with me, they oftenly approach me to ask me if everything is okay, which is funny because is something that never in the 2 years that I have lived with the shepherd asked me.
I only reply with “im okay im just sleepy”.
What do I plan to do to fix this situation?
I hardly feel like I want to improve, I like feeling like shit and doing the less possible to live and do my chores, and the thought of death having free rent in my mind isn’t helpful.
Therefore sometimes I feel like I want to try and get up, and most of the time I feel like I don’t wanna be fixed.
So what then?
“If someone asked me what’s the best thing in my life, I would say waiting”.
The context of this phrase is spiritual and I take it the same way, I’ll wait and expect the Lord to put me in a situation of humiliation and repentance. This does give me hope but it doesn’t make me feel better in my day to day; I still want to spend all day in my room and sleep.
Meanwhile I’ll just rot alive and do as I said before: the least possible to live.
That’s pretty much it. Im not suicidal as long as I know so don’t worry about me lol
No, not only now, in my life. I don’t know what to do with it.
I know what I have to do; I have to study, I have to prepare for my life as an adult.
But I simply don’t know what to do with my life, or I don’t want to do anything; or I don’t want to do what I have to, or I simply don’t want to live anymore. This thoughts have been consistent since the last year, not worsening nor improving, they are just there. Even tho, there’s days where I feel worse, and there’s days I feel horrible, i realized that there aren’t days where I feel happy since the holidays of last year. There’s something lacking in my heart that can’t be filled with vanity or material things.
What do I think this is?
The obvious answer is God.
The other answer, ignoring God as a solution and the “human” reply for this question would be that I feel lonely, and in fact, I am. My brother and sister left early in my younger days, I’d say when I was 14-15. I moved to someone else’s house for my own good, but I do not feel loved im that family and I don’t feel part of it. The family is functional, they are christian and the father is a shepherd/pastor.
they do not know about this feeling nor that I have been depressed even after joining their lives, and I do not feel comprehended by them. They know I have battles but they can’t possibly know what goes through my head, that’s because they do not bother asking. If they ever asked me I’d have spilled the beans a long time ago but they are either shy or they think I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t think it’s because they don’t care but it kinda looks like it sometimes.
The truth is that there’s a lot of things wrong with me, and I have so many scars that never healed and nobody knows about. I have gatekept this problems to myself because it’s hard or awkward to talk about it even in a interpersonal level, but they are constantly orbiting my mind.
The brothers and sisters im my church often notice that there’s something off with me, they oftenly approach me to ask me if everything is okay, which is funny because is something that never in the 2 years that I have lived with the shepherd asked me.
I only reply with “im okay im just sleepy”.
What do I plan to do to fix this situation?
I hardly feel like I want to improve, I like feeling like shit and doing the less possible to live and do my chores, and the thought of death having free rent in my mind isn’t helpful.
Therefore sometimes I feel like I want to try and get up, and most of the time I feel like I don’t wanna be fixed.
So what then?
“If someone asked me what’s the best thing in my life, I would say waiting”.
The context of this phrase is spiritual and I take it the same way, I’ll wait and expect the Lord to put me in a situation of humiliation and repentance. This does give me hope but it doesn’t make me feel better in my day to day; I still want to spend all day in my room and sleep.
Meanwhile I’ll just rot alive and do as I said before: the least possible to live.
That’s pretty much it. Im not suicidal as long as I know so don’t worry about me lol
